Archive for the ‘The Journey to Parenthood’ Category
September 1, 2009 | By: Liz | Filed under: adoption,The Journey to Parenthood
My August put me upside down. I don’t know about you but most of my friends had a lousy month too. My right arm in the office, Danielle, took a position at a law school that means she won’t be working in the office on a regular basis, my mother-in-law passed away, my vacation wasn’t a vacation, and I am way behind on several projects for the office including the first of my E-Books which is so close to being finished I might be able to give up my addiction to Oreos. As a result of the events of this summer and primarily August, my husband and I have landed in a place where we have decided to reinvent our lives. Whatever we have been doing hasn’t been making us very happy (except of course for my work) and so we need to change things. And so we look at each other and say “what next?” But for the first time as we discuss what next, I understand that I need to look at the the what’s after part too and just roll with it. I need to let the roller coaster just take me . . . What the heck does this have to do with family building you ask? Well it has everything to do with it. Because I’ve never looked at the what’s after part because just like every other infertile person, I spent my life working on obtaining the “next” part.
And I saw this in action this week and last week with two sets of clients, each of whom has adopted babies within the last week or so. Each couple is stuck in a hotel right now waiting for ICPC approval to go home and each couple wants to go home so badly (as we all do, there isn’t a lot of fun stuff about living in a hotel with a newborn), but what is really going on is that they are (and I mean this in the MOST loving way possible) freaking out that they are finally parents and they don’t know what to do next. Home is the logical next step, and they have been so focused on steps and process that they are missing the beauty of their honeymoon in a hotel with a newborn. Once they get home, they can never get this time back. They will have family helping with the baby, they will be fighting to hold their own baby, and they will hit the wall of sleep deprivation. But once they are home, there are no more “what’s nexts?” It is just the now. And that is the other thing that is freaking them all out and putting them square in the middle of a parenting version of Fear Factor (I hate reality tv).
Parenting is the ultimate act of Zen living. Your baby gets sick and you have to call in sick to work or find emergency child care. Your baby has colic and you are up all night with a screaming newborn. Your baby doesn’t have colic but has his days and nights reversed and you have 3-6 weeks (or something like that) of living with only re-runs of I Love Lucy to watch instead of Grey’s Anatomy. Or maybe you just can’t plain watch tv because the baby needs to be changed and burped and cuddled. There is no more schedule, forget what’s next or what’s after . . . it’s all about THE NOW.
And after years of waiting and waiting and trying and trying and answering calls from birth mothers or having blood tests and ultrasounds, going from WHAT’S NEXT to THE NOW, well that is one mind bending trip. I don’t blame them for freaking out or being upset. This is the most amazing ride of their life, they just didn’t realize it was coming. Being alone in a hotel with a new baby, of course you want to go home where it’s safe and familiar. But from today forward nothing, not even going home, is going to go as expected or fear familiar (at least not at first). The what’s next, the what’s after, the Now are going to be constantly changing. Lord knows the minute you think you have a schedule, the schedule changes.
So as I sit here and mull over my own “what’s Next” and “What’s After”, I have to remember that it doesn’t really matter. I need to just roll with it. I’ve been blessed to spend the last 7 years learning to roll with it. I am far, far, far from perfect at it . . . but I am much better at it than I was when I was stuck in a hotel waiting for my own ICPC clearance.
To all of you sitting in hotels waiting for ICPC clearance, or those of you about to be sitting in hotels. Relax, breathe and remember that this is going to be the adventure of your life and now is the time to let go of what your next step or plan is, and now is the time to just enjoy. This is your honeymoon with your baby. Enjoy it, and learn to roll with it. It will serve you well in the days, weeks, months and years to come.
I miss my own stays in hotels waiting for ICPC clearance just like my clients. I know this is all hard, and those of you who are still waiting probably want me to step the hell off my soap box now . . . but I am not going to . . . this is all a part of the journey, let go, surrender and roll with it. This is an important parenting skill and I truly think infertility treatment and adoption planning is the BEST boot camp for parenting there is.
Forget what’s next, forget fear factor. Rejoice on the rollercoaster.
June 25, 2009 | By: Liz | Filed under: The Journey to Parenthood,Thinking Out Loud
Farrah Fawcett’s death today is beyond sad and traggic. The world has lost a vibrant and talented woman who influenced a generation of women and men. From her pro-feminist roles as one of Charlie’s kick-butt Angels to her performance in the Burning Bed, all combined with her bombshell good looks, she served to inspire and enlighten many people around the world for decades.
What does she have to do with infertility? We’ve been talking a lot about visualization and the power of intention on this blog. It got me through my own journey to parenthood and is helping me now during a difficult time in my personal life. I’ve blogged about how I believe that visualizing positive things — like being a parent — instead of focusing on the things that make us profoundly sad and angry — like the fact that we aren’t parents today — brings us to the happy moment when we’re holding our baby or child sooner than we would be if we didn’t use visualization and intent as part of our treatment plan. Farrah was a big believer in the power of visualization and I believe she used visualization as part of her overall approach to treating cancer. Now some of you skeptics are already pointing a finger at me saying that clearly it didn’t work because she died. I disagree.
Farrah Fawcett had an invasive and deadly form of cancer. Most doctors gave her very little time to live. But she defied each and every one of them. News reports weeks ago reported her death — when she was still alive. Her intent to stay alive as long as possible and to live each day to the fullest must have had some impact because she didn’t pass away as quickly as her physicians predicted. She lived far longer than anyone believed was possible! Something she did carried her, kept her strong, and kept her going long after most people had given up hope.
Everyone dies at some point. My point is that here is an example of a woman who used her intent to stay alive to STAY ALIVE. She visualized herself alive and she didn’t die. I suspect she was much more in control of when she did die than any of us will ever understand.
As we mourn the loss of this tremendous woman, take inspiration from her. Visualizing your success and having the intent to become a parent will serve to bring you to the end of this journey faster than if you continue to focus and stay stuck remembering those “no heartbeat on the ultrasound days.”
My thoughts and prayers are with Ms. Fawcett’s family and friends. I will continue to be inspired by this incredible woman, and I will spend more time today believing in what other’s may say is impossible.
Your homework assignment is coming, I promise. 
Tags: intent, success, visualization
June 11, 2009 | By: Liz | Filed under: The Journey to Parenthood,Thinking Out Loud,Uncategorized
Having faith that good things really do happen has been a really big part of my life recently. I know I recently blogged about having faith. Times are hard and it’s hard to believe it can be different. Like everyone else affected by the economy, my husband and I have had a difficult (to say the least) year. On top of employment issues we had major issues with child care which prevented me from working as much as I would have liked (and needed to) earlier this year, I missed a major conference that I wanted to attend, my kids were in a car accident, and we had flu after flu after flu. It got to the point where I sometimes wondered how I was going to get through the day. Everything seemed so overwhelming. I longed to work because building families is truly my bliss and we were doing some fun things (I was in the process of doing something for a client that had never been succesfully attempted before in New York State and I was so close to actually getting it done . . . until a certain set of twins decided to make their preview two months early thereby stopping all the legal mumbo jumbo. But hey the babies were the point of the process, it was definitely not about me being the first to do something, so we did win!! It may sound silly or schmaltzy, but to me it is always a win when my clients become parents!). Even so there were too many days where the best I could do was return emails from my Black Berry.
As a New Year’s present to myself, I had hired a business/life coach and one of the things I talked to her about was feeling like the world was against us and how much it felt like it did when we were going through infertility. How was I supposed to finish my E-Book, I asked her, when I couldn’t even get an hour alone to write? She asked me about how I had gotten through my infertility. We spent an entire session talking about having faith and vision to see your dreams come true. If I was able to have that faith and vision that I would one day be a mother, she said, and now I am a mother (after 6 IUI cycles, 7 IVF cycles, 9 miscarriages, and three failed adoptions including one baby who went back to his birth mother after placement), then she said all my husband and I needed was a little faith and vision to get us through this tough time. Easier said than done I suspected. And I was beyond skeptical. I also was wrong! Completely and utterly wrong.
My homework for that week was to write out my vision for my law practice and my career (my homework for this week was to write out my vision for my life!!). It was an inspiring excerise. The following week, I had to fill in all the details and provide as vivid a narrative of my law practice and my career path as I could (I had to get as specific as writing down what pictures were on my desk and what my office looked like!!). Although I suspect he was just humoring me, my husband did the same thing and re-wrote his resume to include the title of his ideal job and a description of that job. And we’ve been thinking, talking, and reading about our vision every week. My coach also encouraged me to follow my inspiration. I carry around a notebook and jot things down about my vision, or ideas I have for work or my career in that notebook. If an idea comes up for my E-Book but I can’t write at the moment, I jot the idea down in the notebook.
Yesterday my husband got a job offer and the title of the position is word-for-word the job title on his new resume. Yes, the resume he redrafted after I suggested he write his “perfect job” in the Objectives section of his resume after I did that homework assignment with my coach. The job description is virtually the same as what is on his resume too! At first my mind was blown, but now it makes perfect sense.
I have realized as a result of the recent challenges we have faced as a family how much my faith and vision got me through my infertility and how much of a difference they are making and will continue to make in my life now. When we were going through treatment and our adoption, I knew in my heart that one day I was going to be a mom and I didn’t ever let go of that belief. Even on the really awful days (the no heartbeat on the ultrasound days), I focused on what I knew in my heart. I knew that I wouldn’t ever give up until I became a mom. I didn’t have the skills back then to create a vision of my family but I did knit that baby blanket that my son now sleeps with every night. My daughter has one too.
But this vision thing has really got me thinking and I am now inspired to do so many things. I was talking with a client the other day who is waiting to adopt. She is seriously considering starting a new business helping people make adoptive parent profiles because hers was so amazing and I offhandedly told her she did such a good job that could do it for money. It was that good! This new business idea came out of the fact that she was inspired by the project of making her adoptive parent profile and had a vision of exactly what she wanted it to look like. We talked about how I knitted my son’s blanket and thought about our baby with every stitch; she said she did the same thing about her birth mother as she made the profile. She literally envisioned the birth mother who would be reading her profile, what she looked like, what her situation was etc. Every time she sat down to work on the profile, she thought about a different birth mother. The point is that by making the profile she was mentally “making” herself a birth mother! When we were talking about this, she mentioned that she crochets. Years ago, I bought a crochet pattern for a beautiful baby blanket. I don’t crochet, so I thought maybe I would copy it and translate it into a knitting pattern or that I would have someone special to give the pattern to. As soon as I got off the phone (okay maybe it was a few days later!), I mailed the pattern to this client and put a note in that I thought she should start crocheting the blanket and start “visualizing” her life with their new baby (they are not matched yet), the way she envisioned birth mothers when she was making her profile.
I think that my knitting the blanket for my son opened a space in my heart and told the Universe that I was ready to be a mother. Although my son didn’t come home the day I finished the blanket — we actually got “the call” the day I finished my manuscript for The Infertility Survival Handbook — I know that blanket and my book were critical pieces of me visualizing my life as a mother. The book started my new career, you know the law practice and career that I am now spending time every day visualizing so that I have direction, focus and intent for making more families. But I digress.
What I am trying to say (and I am going to start a new category on this blog about this) is that even on those days where we don’t see a heartbeat on an ultrasound that we still have the power to visualize our families, our babies, our pregnant bellies (or someone else’s pregnant belly if you’re using a surrogate or adopting). We have the power to use visualization to manifest our dreams. We may not feel like we have a lot of faith to make it happen but that doesn’t really matter. It’s stating our intent and describing that intent to the universe that is the important part.
So, how’s it working out for me you might ask? Well . . . My husband got the exact job he listed on his resume (that totally freaks me out). My law practice and my career are moving in incredible new directions and I don’t feel overwhelmed anymore; it is too exciting!! My homework is so much fun. I know that what I write down as my vision is already happening and unfolding. I am finally writing my E-Books and I am thinking about taking the manuscript for another book I was writing and turning it into an E-Book too. My staff is excited. My child care problems are solved (yes another homework assignment to describe my ideal child care provider).
My client is crocheting that blanket and starting a new business. I have another client who started decorating their nursery. Another client started a novel (she’s a writer) about a woman going through infertility that finally has a baby and what it was like after the baby came home. The novel is a thinly disguised novel/autobiography about her life. She is living vicariously (or maybe not so viacriously) through her heroine. She says she doesn’t want to publish it, but it is helping her see the other side of her infertility and to focus on her goal of being a mother instead of her next ultrasound.
In The Infertility Survival Handbook, I wrote about having a care package for the two-week wait to find out if you’re pregnant. In The Ultimate Insider’s Guide to Adoption, I wrote about having a baby shower before your baby comes home (whether from Arkansas or Russia). On this blog, I want to start exploring the power of visualization. It’s so easy to get stuck, trapped, in the treatment in the ultrasounds. We forget at the other end there are bellies and babies and that we’re going to be parents. We forget to focus on our goal. I am not sure how I am going to do it yet (maybe by giving everyone homework assignments), but I want a space on this blog to get you into the space of thinking about your goal, what got you where you are today . . . the desire to have a family. And to remind you that you still have the power to create that family, no matter what that crappy ultrasound may have shown you today.
October 7, 2008 | By: Liz | Filed under: The Journey to Parenthood
I recently helped a client through her two-week wait. I had flash backs to my own many, many two-weeks in hell. She told me that my care package idea was the only thing keeping her together. And so we started comparing notes about what to put in the care package. She suggested that I post on my blog and we start a master list of ideas and suggestions for what to put in the care package to help us get through the dreaded two-week wait and that I put together a list of songs that people could download to their iPods (or whatever) and have a playlist for the two-week wait.
My first suggestions are:
Kneipp aromatherapy bath oils (I always bought it at Apthorp Pharmacy in NYC when I was picking up my PIO), it is kind of hard to find and kind of pricey . . . but in my opinion worth every penny!
Victoria’s Secret line of scented moisturizer’s like Pure Seduction (as if anyone is getting any of that right now!)
and for music: Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar (sp?), Danny’s Song by Loggins & Messina, I would Die for That by Kellie Coffee, and the Dixie Chix song (I have to get the title, I always forget it) about infertility.
and the lawyer in me must say that nothing contained in this blog shall be deemed a product endorsement, please make sure you are not allergic to any products before use and check with your physician about the safety of aromatherapy during pregnancy. lol! yeah, I had to do it. sorry.
Anyone got anything they want to add to the list?
June 12, 2008 | By: Liz | Filed under: The Journey to Parenthood
For those of you who are confused about what your next step is on your frustrating, convoluted and phenomenally expensive journey to parenthood, I’d like to share something with you that an increasing number of our clients are doing. They’re “dual tracking”. That is, while they finish up one final attempt at IVF or IVF-ED, they are simultaneously starting their adoption paperwork. It can take months to get an adoption to the place where you are waiting for an international referral or you are certified and home study ready and can begin to look for a baby. You can be finishing up your IVF stuff while you’re doing all that paperwork (just please make sure to tell your home study social worker that you’re pursuing IVF and what your plan is re: adoption if you get pregnant).
I did it myself when my husband and I were going through infertility and adoption stuff. It gave me the peace of mind of knowing I was going to be a mom no matter what! It totally took the pressure off of my last IVF cycle and when I miscarried with that cycle (and it was the earliest miscarriage of them all, thus reaffirming my decision to pursue an adoption . . . it seemed like a sign from the Universe that we had made the right decision to pursue adoption!), well I didn’t dwell on it as much. I still had a lot of grieving to do but I didn’t have that anxiety about “what if the next cycle doesn’t work?” or “am I ever going to become a mom?” I knew that because we had started a domestic adoption plan and had our paperwork started that I was steps closer to finding a birth family. In fact, I was so relieved that we had started the adoption process and I didn’t have to start something new from scratch!
We were up front with our adoption case workers and we knew that if I got pregnant and carried to the second trimester that we would put our adoption on hold and see whether I delivered a baby. Having that plan, knowing what we would do if I did get pregnant was important for our adoption professionals; and as an adoption professional now it is a question I make sure to ask. I want to know that my clients have thought through the process completely and they aren’t going to bail on a birth mother if they get pregnant. Or at least, I get assurances from them that they will be honest with any birth mother with whom they might be working and let her know they are pregnant and give her the choice about whether she will still work with them toward a successful adoption (and yes, some birth mothers will keep working with you). But then I have to ask my client if they are prepared to parent two children born very closely together? It’s a lot of work!
I know not all adoption professionals agree with me, but as a former infertility patient I think you need to pursue all avenues to parenthood that may be available to you and right for you. As long as you know where your priorities lie, you don’t lie or misrepresent your intentions, and what you will do if you get pregnant while working toward an adoption, who should judge you for trying to move things along as quickly as possible?
