Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
May 11, 2012 | By: Liz | Filed under: Uncategorized
As I started to type this Blog, I turned on Pandora radio for some happy listening while I typed my blog. Mother’s Day is a very, very difficult topic for me. Mother’s Day and infertility. Well that is, it used to be a difficult topic. And no, it’s not a better topic for me now because I have children. Having children didn’t fix it.
So I wanted some inspiration from song writers and I typed in an artist that usually has some words of wisdom for me. The song that popped up when I entered the artist (who shall remain nameless) was all about love and family. And so was the next, and the next, and the next, and the next. Every song that has followed as I have typed and deleted, has been about love and family. I didn’t pick that initial track or any that have followed it but clearly the Universe was telling me I am on the right track to have chosen to stop my day and talk about what it means to be infertile at the holiest of holy days for those who are struggling to conceive.
I have wanted to write all week and have been suffering from horrible writer’s block. My colleague Amy Demma pushed me (check out her blog http://www.eggdonationtoday.com/). My clients asked me. My meditation quieted my mind so I could figure out what I wanted to say. Even if only to myself. And the music is telling me to share this with you. To share something very profound that happened to me recently and has changed, finally changed how I feel about Mother’s Day. And no, it’s not about my children.
How many times today have I been asked what do I want for Mother’s Day? Countless. I have not had a single response over these many years than to ask that I be permitted to wear my pj’s all day and not have to face the world (sound familiar? I think I’ve said the same thing all but two years out of the last 15). But as I sat down to write this, I realized something. I finally got my Mother’s Day present, a little early. And no it’s not my children.
My infertility has changed my life but it hasn’t changed me. I have wonderful new people in my life because of my infertility. I have a wonderful RE with whom I still stay in touch after 10 years and who held my hand through what were then the darkest days of my life. I have a new career that I love and that revolves around my barren uterus. I have published two books, one of them a best-selling cult classic that 8 years and 9 printings after its initial publication still moves people to write me letters, send me facebook messages, or email me how much my words helped them get through what were their darkest days. But Mother’s Day still sucked. Having children did NOT make Mother’s Day better for me.
I just underwent a transformation of epic proportion and that’s where we start this blog. I thought my infertility transformed my life. The new friends, the career. Nope.
I am talking about a different kind of transformation. And that’s not to say my infertility didn’t transform me. It was a f@##&^%g awful gift but man what a gift it was. And what gifts it gave me. And no I am not talking about my children.
The gift I am talking about is how my infertility started to open me up. To learn to open up to me. To realize me. It was the first of what became a series of events that have shown me who I am and who I want to be. And no I am not talking about being a mother.
I recently went through another experience that was almost as painful as my miscarriages, my HSG, my laporoscopies, my countless IVF cycles, and the despair and fear that I felt throughout that time.
And in the middle of this more recent experience, I let go. I didn’t give up. I didn’t surrender. There was nothing defeating about the letting go. In fact it was completely the opposite of all the negative emotion I felt during my infertility. I sat still after a meditation in which I had begged and pleaded for someone or something to help me take away this pain, this constant pain and ache I felt in my heart. In my soul. And as I sat in the stillness there was a voice. A Voice that told me I didn’t have to feel pain. I had never had to feel pain. I didn’t have to feel sadness. I had never had to feel sadness.
I questioned this voice. Not feel sadness when I lost a child growing inside me? Not feel sadness when a birth mother requested her child be returned to her? Not to feel sadness that I still haven’t had a baby grow inside me? Seriously?
The lawyer in me came out and argued with this Voice but the lawyer, she did not win.
There was the understanding that I can have a barren uterus and find happiness in this moment, in every moment. There was the understanding that I could choose to live through what I was going through fighting, crying, screaming, and arguing. Just as I had through my infertility. I could choose to live through my current experience resisting it. I would probably make lemonade out of what I had been going through. I could create another best-seller perhaps? I could knit another afghan? I could develop another business? The options were endless for fighting my way through the experience and even put a smiley face on the end result. But the realization was that it wasn’t worth the fight. Why was I fighting? There was no more trying to make lemonade out of lemons for me. There was the simple reality that lemons exist and that it is okay.
So I sat there mulling over this concept. Call it Acceptance. Release. Trust. And I realized that I hadn’t accepted my infertility. I hadn’t released my demons. They still ruled me. My current experience was controlling me. I was not controlling it. Suddenly my world was upside down. I had everything I ever wanted. I HAVE CHILDREN. I am a MOTHER. And I wasn’t happy. The Voice was telling me how unhappy I was and how pointless and needless it was to be unhappy.
What?
No, I argued with the Voice, I wasn’t happy because of my current situation. I was justified.
No.
No shouted the Voice.
The Voice laughed at me. I was speechless. Now for those of you who know me, me being truly speechless is a rare event. A very rare event.
So I sat in the speechlessness. I decided to listen to the Voice and not argue with it. I figured that anyone who can render me speechless is worth listening to.
When was the last time you were ever truly happy it asked me. Do you even know what happiness is?
I did know what happiness was. Through meditation I had felt it. Through meditation I had felt joy. Pure unadulterated joy. yes. Yes.
I then told the Voice I know what feeling it is to which you refer.
And then it hit me. Or should I say it washed over me.
I didn’t have to wait for anything to happen to feel that joy. If I could feel joy in meditation, I could feel joy or happiness in any minute of any day and in any situation.
I could have felt happy while waiting for my children instead of frustration, anger, and all that pain.
I could choose to feel happy now instead of dreading what was going on around me. I had control over how I felt. I had control over my thoughts.
And that’s when the Release came. The feeling of utter calm, serenity and peace. I have never, EVER felt that before. Not even as a child. Not even holding my children. This was something so completely and utterly NEW.
And I suddenly trusted that was going on around me was okay and I would be okay and it would be okay. I realized it was okay that I had been angry. It was okay that I had judged myself for being angry. It was okay to have a barren uterus. It was okay. Everything was okay.
It was all gone. Everything. No hurt.
No I hadn’t taken any drugs. No I wasn’t hallucinating. I am not sure whether it was the result of my meditation or whether it was the culmination of years of anguish but I suddenly no longer wanted to feel anything other than what I was feeling in THAT moment. I didn’t have to fight to feel this. I didn’t have to “win” to feel this. I didn’t have to have a baby to feel this. I could simply choose to FEEL this. Feel Happy.
So where am I going with all this? Mother’s Day is a sacred day for a woman. Any woman. A woman with children wants to celebrate. A woman without children wishes she could celebrate. A woman who chooses not to have children wants to celebrate other mother’s on mother’s day. This Sunday is ALL about being a mother and if you aren’t a mother on Sunday when you want to be, the pain is overwhelming. It is. Really it is. Or is it?
It doesn’t have to be. Can you try to let it go? Can you try to break through to a slightly better feeling place? I know you can’t jump from where you are today as you fight with a NOvary. But you can choose to let go of the emotion you are feeling right now and find a feeling that is just a little bit better than where you are. You could even choose to stretch a little further and trust that there will be a happy ending and you don’t have to make lemonade to have the happy ending. You can just trust that the happy ending is coming and then let it come.
Know that YOUR Mother’s Day is coming. I promise.
One day this holiday isn’t going to hurt. You aren’t going to want to curl up in your pj’s and escape. And you can even let THIS Mother’s Day be the first time it doesn’t hurt.
I have been to hell and back, just like you. I was going through hell again and I was able to just let it all go. Let it all go and feel the quiet, the stillness, and the peace wash over me. From there came the better feelings and then the joy. I smile now. Every day I smile. I laugh. I used to have a constant scowl. Now people don’t recognize me when they see me. Even my mother didn’t recognize me after this . . . this release.
I am today a different person than I used to be. I can’t change the past and I don’t want to. But I can change today and tonight and this weekend. I can change this Mother’s Day. I can be happy this Mother’s day. For the first time. The Mother’s Day demon is gone. In fact they are almost all gone. And those that aren’t gone are being released one by one. Because once you figure out how to release and accept what is going on, how to allow things to unfold around you with excitement instead of fear, the demons don’t have a chance. I am not saying that once you find how you can release and accept what is going on you’re going to get pregnant or adopt tomorrow . I am saying none of it will matter. Because you will know in your heart that your Mother’s Day is coming.
Just like I know that this Mother’s Day, I am going to stay in my pj’s. And I am doing it because that is what makes me Happy. I am going to lie still and listen to my children’s laughter and probably some fights and tears too. And I am going to know that whatever is going on it’s going to be okay.
Do I still want another baby? OF COURSE.
Do I still want to TRY to have another baby? OF COURSE.
But I am not sad. I am not fighting. I am not angry. I am not feeling any of those horrible emotions that have been eating me up since . . . since that first HSG? I am content. I am free. I am okay. I am okay if I don’t even feel a baby kick inside me. I never thought I would ever, ever be able to say that. But it’s true. I have every desire and expectation that I can have whatever I dream about, whatever I want. But I don’t have to fight to get there. It will come when it’s time. And if it doesn’t come?
It’s okay.
And what about the Voice? That was me. The Voice is me. The real me. The me who knows more than I do. There’s one inside you too. Go find her. Grab her. Hold her. Thank her. And then celebrate your FIRST Mother’s day with her. She’s a pretty awesome person.
She’s you!
Love,
Liz
p.s I am not proofing this post as I believe that if I proof it I will change it and it won’t be honest anymore. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I makye typos. And that is okay too. And by the way it’s okay if you can’t be Happy this Mother’s Day. Just try to find a better feeling. Anything better than what you feel right now. Because that is the beginning of finding your path to acceptance, peace and happiness.
Happy
Mother’s
Day
to YOU!
March 9, 2012 | By: Liz | Filed under: Uncategorized
I saw the most amazing picture of a woman simultaneously breast feeding twins, her husband’s arms are wrapped around hers, which are wrapped around the babies. I will try and post the picture. It was sent to me by someone in the reproductive industry so I assumed that the twins were conceived through assisted reproduction. But as I looked at it, the photograph got me thinking about all my clients who are using third-party reproductive technologies, surrogacy, to conceive their children and how many of those clients conceive twins. I then wondered whether any of my clients chose to breast feed their baby, or babies. I kind of stopped talking about non-gestational breast feeding unless someone raised the topic with me. I don’t know why I don’t talk about it as much as I used to. I talk about it every day with my daughter (adopted) whom I breast fed for nine months (and her older brother for six months). My daughter very much misses the closeness we shared when she was nursing – how the heck she remembers it is beyond me, I assume she thinks about it because there is a picture of her breastfeeding in her baby book and there is one on my desk in my office – and we often talk about what a wonderful thing it is that we got to have that special relationship. I also don’t know why I don’t talk about it more because almost every day I pass a bus stop that has a billboard from a breast feeding center and they mention “adoptive breast feeding” on the billboard. For the record, I think it really should be called non-gestational breast feeding because anyone can do it. It’s not a process that is somehow exclusively tied to adoption and in fact the most successful protocol for inducing lactation when you didn’t deliver was designed by a woman whose child was carried and delivered by a surrogate (her name is Lenore Goldfard and the protocol is the Newman-Goldfarb Protocol for inducing lactation, and it is what I used to get my milk a flowin’).
So here I am with this beautiful picture and I am wondering why I don’t advocate for non-gestational breastfeeding anymore? Maybe it’s because at the seminars I have attended and at which I was asked to speak on the topic, very few women attended (this particular seminar always seems to be offered at the very end of a very long day and I would bet a lot of money that if they held the seminar at an earlier time the attendance would be better). Maybe it’s because of my own guilt that I didn’t nurse longer? Last summer I read a great book called The Milk Memos which I gave to a client who did breast feed her child after a surrogate birth. The Milk Memos is more about the transition back to work when you are nursing, but a lot of the issues that come up are issues that are faced by non-gestational breast feeders and I found it really helpful – albeit several years after the fact. After I finished the book I was really angry at myself that I stopped nursing when I did. At the time I stopped, I was going to have surgery that would have required me to “pump and dump” for at least two weeks and I hated pumping (“pump and dump” is an expression that refers to pumping breast milk which you then, for any number of reasons, have to throw out). A combination of the thought of pumping day and night just to maintain my supply until I was no longer taking medication that made my breast milk unsafe for her to drink, and the fact that I would be dumping the milk . . . I don’t know I guess I just decided it wasn’t worth the bother. I also thought it would be rather cumbersome and painful to try and pump after having had back surgery. It turned out to be a big mistake and one that I am reminded of daily by my DD (dear daughter). So here I am this morning, mesmerized by the picture which is reminding me of what a beautiful experience breast feeding can be and I realize what a disservice I am doing by not advocating for NON-GESTATIONAL BREAST FEEDING!
Most people don’t even know that you can do it, or that it can be successful. I think the general assumption is that even if you make milk, you won’t make enough milk to fully meet a baby’s needs so why deal with the hassle? But even when you don’t make a lot of milk and have to use a nursing supplement of some kind (either a Lact-Aid® or an SNS, or formula in a bottle), the physical closeness provided by the experience is incredibly rewarding and some would say important enough not to ignore. Even more so when the baby didn’t get to spend the previous ten months in your belly hearing your voice every day and bonding with you before birth. There are studies that show that if a baby is put on her mother’s chest within minutes after birth and stays there for as little as 20 minutes, that the baby can learn to identify her mother’s smell, thus beginning the bonding process. I believe that for those of us who can’t be in the delivery room we can still achieve the same instinctive bonding through breast feeding, even if it starts days, weeks, or months after birth. Another point is that many of us can be present at delivery (more likely in a surrogacy arrangement than in an adoption) and could ask to have the baby similarly placed on our chest immediately after birth in order to facilitate this immediate bonding. There are also studies about how important touch is to a baby’s neurological growth and development. “Kangaroo care” is routinely used in NICU’s to help at-risk newborns. Thus, the physical closeness and skin on skin contact provided by non-gestational breast feeding can only be a positive for the baby. And the bonding it provides to us moms isn’t insignificant either.
I had horrible post-adoption depression with both my kids. I think one of the things that snapped me out of it was the ability to snuggle and hold them so close to me. I was scared to bond with my each of my babies because I was afraid someone would take my baby away from me. It also was very surreal and I couldn’t wrap my brain around what was really happening after all those years of infertility — it was such a huge leap to suddenly be a parent, I didn’t know what to do emotionally. But having this baby at my breast, looking at me and touching me, forced me to face facts, face my fears, and move past them. It also helped me heal from all the years of IVF and miscarriages. All the parts of me that were broken, the sense that I had lost the essence of being a woman, disappeared when I had a baby at my breast. Breast feeding did more for my destroyed self-esteem than years and years of therapy. I felt whole in a way that I don’t think I ever would have been able to achieve if I hadn’t breast fed.
So there you have it. A quick little piece of my mind about why women who are having babies without a birthing experience can and should consider breast feeding their baby, or as the case may be in a surrogacy, babies.
How you do it as an entirely different discussion. I wrote about it in The Ultimate Insider’s Guide to Adoption (Warner Books 2006), and I will post a blog about how to go about inducing lactation. But for today, I am enjoying the bliss that this picture evokes in me, and has made me realize that I should be encouraging my clients and other women who want help doing this to DO IT! And for what it’s worth, I so loved breast feeding that – and I am not kidding – I very much want to have another baby JUST so I can have this experience again. If I am blessed with another child, you can bet that I will do it for as long as humanly possible.
How beautiful is this?
January 27, 2012 | By: Liz | Filed under: I'm Just Another Angry Infertile Woman,In the News,infertility in the media,Infertility on Television,IVF,Parentage Orders,Personal Musings,The Journey to Parenthood,Thinking Out Loud,Uncategorized
I have been following the cases against my former colleagues Theresa Erickson and Hilary Neiman for some time. I had known for awhile about the investigation but was still stunned when the plea agreements became available to the public and I began discussing the details with colleagues and officials in the Justice Department. I know stuff like this probably happens more often than any of us care to admit. It always has and it always will. What is that expression about there always being thieves and crooks among us??
But my blog today — which is very different than that which I typically post — has more to do with whether the penalty fit the crime than whether what transpired under the direction of TE and with the assistance of HN was right or wrong, or for that matter my level of shock and horror at all of it. I had at one point read something on the internet that suggested that HN had been sentenced, or was going to be sentenced to 13 years in prison. I remember discussing the article I read with the women in my office. I asked them whether they thought 13 years were too few or too many. It turns out there was no factual basis to the article I was reading, as HN will be serving less than a year in a federal penitentiary and additional time under house arrest. That is quite a difference from 13 years wouldn’t you say?
I had never made a decision myself about whether 13 years was “just” punishment for the crimes alleged and to which she plead guilty. Some part of me felt that it wasn’t enough time and some part of me felt it was too much time. So I let it go, as I was more intrigued by the fact that there were still matters under investigation.
But I have no doubt when I say that less than a year in “Club Fed” is not enough time. As the Judge Battaglia pointed out (for more see an article in the http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/former_lawyer_gets_1-year_sentence_in_international_baby_selling_scam/ ), HN doesn’t even appear to understand that what she has done was wrong. Under the circumstances, then doesn’t it make sense to give someone slightly harsher a penalty to help them internalize that which they have done? Club Fed is rumored not to be such a bad place. If I recall, Martha Stewart enjoyed learning how to knit while she served her time. Given that we are talking about the intentional creation and sale of human life, do we really want to send a message to society that less than a year in jail is sufficient punishment for such atrocious conduct? I recognize that Judge Battaglia was restricted by sentencing guidelines, but even so, he still had the ability to provide for a more severe consequence for this crime. House arrest is pretty much of a joke isn’t it? There are days that actually sounds like a pretty sweet deal if you ask me. I suppose taking the option out of it may make it different. It is one thing to imagine what its like and another thing to actually live with an ankle bracelet every day. Query, if you have a pool in your backyard, are you allowed to sunbathe next to it? Or is that a violation of house arrest? Let’s be clear, however, we can make brownies, watch TV, read books, surf Face Book, and shop on the internet while under house arrest, things we cannot do at Club Fed.
I am not sure, and will most certainly be giving this more thought, but my gut reaction is that I really think this punishment didn’t fit the crime. As we await the sentencing of the co-conspirators, I am really curious to see if this notion of minimum and maximum sentences, house arrest, and the reality that people like me (albeit me 11 years ago) — desperate to have a child, unknowing (even as an attorney) of the true bounds of the law with respect to things like surrogacy and egg donation — were intentionally preyed upon. Babies were intentionally created to be sold to people like me. It’s gross and inhuman. And I object to the fact that the people who perpetrated these acts get to make brownies in the comfort of their own home, surf Face Book, and shop on Amazon, and perhaps even luxuriate by the pool in their backyard (seriously, is that okay with the ankle bracelet? Martha was allowed to garden wasn’t she??). Isn’t house arrest pretty much the same thing as sending your child to their room for a “time out”?
So I am going to make a pledge to devote more of my time to educating people so they don’t fall prey to schemes like these. And while I do so, I hope that somewhere a fair justice system will prevail in what remains of these cases.
These are the personal thoughts and opinions of this author.
Tags: baby selling, infertility, intent, IVF, surrogacy scandal
May 26, 2011 | By: Liz | Filed under: adoption,In the News,Infertility In The Movies etc.,Infertility on Television,IVF,Peace to Parenthood,Personal Musings,The Journey to Parenthood,The Two Week Wait Care Package,Thinking Out Loud,Third-Party Assisted Reproduction,visualization
I have periodically blogged about how Hollywood portrays infertility, but I have never really focused on how Hollywood or television portrays parenthood. There are tons of great movies and t.v. shows about parenting, but there isn’t a ton that really addresses the transition people go through when they become parents: The Leap from Infertility to Parenthood. Granted there are fantastic movies like Juno that really capture aspects of adoption, but until now I haven’t really seen a movie or t.v. show that helped me understand (even as Monday Morning QB) what the transition — the Leap — is like. I am always “warning” my clients to be prepared for life with baby, but I previously have not had anything I could tell them to watch which accurately represented or characterized the Leap.
Well that has all changed. Last weekend I was watching a movie with my DH (Dear Husband). He had rented the film and I had agreed to watch it (despite an initial lack of interest) because the main character was played by Katherine Heigl, who is as we know, an adoptive mom. Not only do I love her films in general but I always am willing to watch a movie where the actor is in real life a parent through ART (assisted reproductive technologies) or adoption. And I am especially interested if the film involves parenting or the formation of a family. Putting aside a desire to escape my life and enjoy the movie, I always wonder whether the actor’s personal experiences with infertility, ART or adoption will influence his or her choices as an actor.
To be honest, when DH proposed watching this film I had no idea what it was about. I was inclined to pass as I had a vague recollection that the film had not been a tremendous success at the box office. But when I heard that Katherine Heigl (who ranks #2 behind J.A. as one of my favorite female actresses) was one of the lead actors, I caved. And what a good decision that turned out to be!
The movie in question is “Life as We Know It” starring KH and Josh Duhamel (JD). You can check out a trailer at http://lifeasweknowitmovie.warnerbros.com/dvd/
In this movie KH and JD play the close friends of a couple who pass away, and who name KH/JD as their baby’s legal guardians. Romantic comedy aside, the movie is a fantastic and very realistic portrayal of the Leap, and how the relationship between the parents can change. As I was watching this movie, both my DH and I were struck by how much the movie reminded us of what it was like to suddenly go from being wanna-be parents to BOOM being parents.
I think the movie really resonated for me because I am an adoptive parent who had very little notice of our pending adoption and I had never really focused on what it would be like to be a parent (let’s face it I spent the entire time wanting a baby and never realistically envisioned what it would be like to have the baby and be a mom). Once the movie really gets past the characters’ acceptance that they are now parents, there are some very insightful moments about the reality of being a parent and how different that reality is from your expectations. Whether or not you take a baby care class as part of your adoption plan, I highly recommend this film because I think that it really shows you — and in a humorous, light-hearted manner — what you are in for when someone hands you that baby! From changing that first poopy diaper, to installing baby gates and midnight runs to the pediatrician, I think that Life as We Know It is a great primer for prospective parents through adoption or assisted reproductive technologies like gestational surrogacy.
Most people who have gone through infertility tend to have blinders on about the reality of parenting. Whether you only have 24 hours notice or ten months to prepare for your baby’s arrival, this film has some very poignant moments about what the transition feels like and what surprising issues parenting can present us with. Best of all it’s fun to watch. It is a surprisingly good romantic comedy, Josh Duhamel is total eye candy (and I won’t hold it against my DH that he thinks Katherine is eye candy too), and it’s sweet, has a happy ending and all that stuff. So if you are on your way to parenthood after experiencing medical or social infertility, I think this movie is a Must See.
And not to totally discredit my intelligence, my DS (Dear Son) has turned me on to SpongeBob SqaurePants. I had the unexpected pleasure this week (while cleaning up a child’s puke) of watching an episode of SpongeBob involving a baby scallop and SpongeBob’s experiences as a new parent. This episode of SpongeBob presents a similarly hysterical and informative perspective of what the Leap is like to being a full time SAHM. I can’t remember the title of the episode off the top of my head (I will check the DVR and post the name of the episode if I can find it), but suffice it to say that I could relate to SpongeBob’s adjustment to caring for a baby all day and all night while Patrick (his best friend) goes off to work every day as they simulate and satirize what its like to be new parents.
I totally and completely remember that in the beginning of my “maternity leave” I had a rough time. By Wednesday night when DH walked through the door, I was an exhausted mess. Thursday night, when DH returned from work and walked-in the door, I handed over DS and went upstairs to have a good exhausted-woman-cry-in-the-shower. By Friday night, I was prepared for the hand-off at the door, and upon hand-off I bolted out of the house to have coffee at Starbucks (decaf of course b/c I was breastfeeding).
So what am I getting at? ”Life as we know it” as parents is very different from life as we know it while waiting for the Stork. I don’t really care whether or not you are taking baby care classes or infant CPR (although I think both are excellent ideas) because the reality of life as a new parent is vastly different than anything we can ever learn in school. As infertile prospective parents we tend to be so focused on our goal of becoming parents that we lose sight of what we are in for when we are parents. It is a transition the likes of which you just can’t understand until you are living it and why I call it the Leap. Life As we Know It and even (surprisingly) Master SpongeBob, have nailed it on the head and I highly recommend watching them (when I find out the title of that SpongeBob episode, I will post it and maybe you can find it somewhere and watch it). Both are totally and completely worth watching.
p.s. please note that I am not complaining about being a parent. I love every minute of this crazy, full-catastrophe life I am living! I want more kids and my attitude now is much more about enjoying and being mindful of the joy in this experience. I am just saying that these movies can help prepare you for the full-catastrophe aspect of parenting.
p.p.s. If you have any other movies that you think are good to watch as prospective parents, post them here. Maybe we can start a list of “Movies to Watch During the Wait”!!
March 28, 2011 | By: Liz | Filed under: adoption,Age and Infertility,Deadly Silence,Egg Donation,Faith and Infertility,IVF,Peace to Parenthood,Personal Musings,Recurrent Pregnancy Loss,Sam Sex Parenting and Reproductive Law,The Journey to Parenthood,Thinking Out Loud,Third-Party Assisted Reproduction,Treatment,Uncategorized
I am getting over a pretty nasty bought of pneumonia. And as a result, I have had a lot of time to think.
To think about everything that I should be doing in the office but can’t. To think about everything that I need to be writing: my e-book on egg donation is pretty much finished but I haven’t had time to input the final edits or to speak with my design and production team about getting it ready for the marketplace; I have an article on egg donation and surrogacy contracts that is due to the American Bar Association in a matter of days; I have to talk to my publisher about revising The Infertility Survival Handbook; I want to write a blog about a RESOLVE event I co-hosted on March 24th at Bis.Co.Latte Cafe in NYC regarding the legal issues egg and embryo donation; and oh yeah I am supposed to be teaching a class on third-party assisted reproduction at a law school and I have to prepare the syllabus (that one may not happen).
To think about all the contracts that I need to draft and edit for clients.
To think about the new series of blogs I am working on (perhaps it too will become an e-book?) on the mind-body connection in dealing with and resolving infertility. Thanks to a Facebook friend, I discovered a wealth of information on something called “Conscious Conception.” I have a ton of research to do on Conscious Conception, it is a seed germinating in my mind and something I very much want to talk about. Just this morning I was staffing out work in the office and we got into a long conversation about how much I believe faith plays in people’s ability to deal with and overcome fertility.
And yet, all I am capable of on this gorgeous sunny day is to THINK about the overwhelming amount of things that are filling my proverbial plate. I am utterly and completely without the ability to deal with any of it today. For today my goal is to be able to breathe. One of the fundamental things in life which I must attend to if I am going to get back to these things, yes? Yet, instead of recognizing the very important need to take care of my own health, I have been beating myself up for my inability to do my work. I feel like I am drowning, literally and figuratively.
It was only upon stumbling across an issue of the Wellesley Alumnae Magazine and its cover article about “When Life Doesn’t Measure Up” and reading about how, when and why so many of my fellow Wellesley sisters feel like failures, that I realized that I feel like a failure for having pneumonia and not being able to do my work. And with that thought, I was off and running on a journey of self-analysis that of course brought me right back to the world of fertility and the feelings of failure that come with it.
Apparently, my college magazine conducted some kind of a poll asking graduates to discuss their feelings about their satisfaction with their life and feelings of inadequacy, failure, or success in a variety of different contexts. I don’t recall receiving a questionnaire in the mail or an email like this — must have missed out on contributing my own thoughts to this very profound poll. The reasons women gave for feeling like a failure were incredibly diverse. And yet, despite the very diverse reasons or situations my Wellesley sisters gave when describing their own issues with failure, including dealing with chronic illness, the article did not mention infertility or an inability to have children (or the choice not to have children) as raising issues of failure. Certainly, someone among the thousands of Wellesley graduates has experienced difficulties conceiving and must have felt like a failure. I did. I do. Why didn’t someone else talk about it? The Dixie Chicks talk about it in their song “So Hard” . . . a ballad that haunts me every time I hear it. It’s all about the feelings of failure and loss we have when we can’t conceive. One out of every 8 Americans is dealing with infertility. Why didn’t the Wellesley College Alumnae Magazine talk about it? Especially at an all women’s college, you would think that a topic like infertility and failure related to something so integral to being a woman would be recognized and not continue to be shrouded in secrecy. The article talked about the shame my sisters felt about their various failures, the secrecy that surrounded them but infertility was not among them. What gives?
The secrecy and shame surrounding infertility is pervasive. Just as for my sisters who are wrestling with their own failures of a different nature, the article pointed out that all of them felt better by talking openly in the article about failure and its impact on their self-perception.
Indeed, the magazine itself was often a cause for Wellesley alumnae to feel failure. By hearing about the success stories profiled in the magazine many women admitted that they felt that they had let down the school or that they failed to measure up to the “Wellesley standard” of being or becoming another Hillary Clinton. The article concluded with the following statement:
“But maybe what we don’t know is what failures happened to those women before they became household names that eventually brought them to the point of celebration. And until we hear those stories, too, we can’t begin to make new templates for success that acknowledge the inclusion of failure as part of a life well-lived.”
And this leads me to the following conclusions:
Until we hear stories about our feelings of failure and inadequacy arising from our infertility, and our subsequent success at overcoming them, we cannot begin to make those new templates for success that acknowledge how much stronger or sensitive we have become as a result of our infertility.
Until we hear stories about our feelings of failure and inadequacy arising from our infertility, we cannot begin to find faith that our own journey will end in success. We need to be inspired by the success of our sisters (and brothers) who have gone before us and achieved that which we long for — a baby — even if that success means embracing an alternate route to parenthood such as surrogacy, egg or embryo donation, or adoption.
It is, as my Wellesley sisters say, in embracing the loss in which we gain the faith to succeed. I wish there was no stigma to being infertile but I must confess that the lack of mention of infertility in this article really drove home for me the sense of the overwhelming stigma with which we live. I have a serious issue with the Wellesley Alumnae Magazine for not bringing to light a discussion of how failing at something as intrinsic as becoming a mother can be so devastating to our sense of self-esteem, to our marriages, and to our sense of failure as a woman. (I cannot fathom that not one woman responded to that poll and didn’t mention infertility and if that was the case, I am even more troubled by the statement that makes regarding how much we hide about our infertility).
Learning from others who share their own shame or other sense of failure about something with which we are all supposed to be able to do — conceive, carry and give birth to our children — is what will carry us through. For others it is not necessarily biological or medical failure but a sense of frustration at being unable to conceive because we lack the essential components — we are socially infertile. And learning from others who find ways beyond our social infertility will give us ideas and strength for achieving that which our sexual orientation precludes us from obtaining.
And as the wheels started turning and hit overdrive as I considered the article and my own sense of failure because I have pneumonia and am unable to work (and am thus letting down my clients to whom I truly want nothing more than to help have a child), and considered once again the stigma with which we live, I couldn’t stay silent. I pulled out my laptop and curled up in bed to “think through” this article and my situation and put together the pieces of this puzzle. My blog will now not only be devoted to discussing the concepts behind Conscious Conception, but it will be devoted to de-stigmatizing this disease. I know there is a Wellesley sister out there somewhere who is struggling to defeat the NOvary™ or endometriosis, to locate a birth mother, to navigate the increasingly complicated red tape of Ethiopian adoption, or to find a way to establish the fact that she and her partner are both the legal mothers of the child one of them delivered and which they intend to parent together.
So in my failure of having pneumonia, new ideas and inspiration have been born for my blog and thus my day has turned into one of celebration. And I ask you to please not be silent. I took the pledge with RESOLVE not to remain silent and today my failure in being human and having pneumonia has given me an idea of how I can fulfill my pledge to RESOLVE. My blog is a safe place where I hope to support people walking with me on this path, and to provide the occasional nugget of legal or medical information to move us another step forward on the path to parenthood. And thus I ask you to talk about your shame. Talk about your sense of failure. Talk about your frustration, your anger or confusion. (And if you are a Wellesley alumnae, help me convince them to let me write an article about infertility). Share your story here wherever you may be in your journey. And I will try and find people to share with you how they conquered the NOvary, endometriosis, found birth mothers, survived the red tape of Ethiopian adoptions, or proven their joint parentage.
Because I know that if we continue to be silent and give in to this crazy stigma, we will never know what failures happened to those women (and men) among us before they became mothers (and fathers), and that eventually brought them to the point of celebration. And until we hear those stories we can’t begin to make new templates for success that acknowledge the inclusion of infertility as part of a life with children.
And now for some random FAQ’s and reminders:
Yes, you can establish your parentage if you are a same-sex couple and one of you has a baby. Depending on where you live the mechanisms for doing this will vary. In some states you can file a legal action to have your parental rights established, in other states you may need or want to adopt (even if you are not married). In some States and in some circumstances you may need or want to do both.
If you have a functioning uterus, egg donation is perhaps the most successful route to pregnancy for women who have issues with the NOvary™. At many clinics, with a properly screened egg donor, live birth rates per egg donation are in the 60% range. Yes, you read that correctly, you could have a 60% chance of conceiving a baby using an egg donor. And among those that conceive using an egg donor, the rate of twin conceptions is in the 40% range (making a strong case for single embryo transfer).
If you are considering adoption but have financial concerns or are worried about wait times, relinquishment risks, or red tape, embryo donation is a rapidly growing path to parenthood. Using embryos donated from another family who has cryopreserved embryos which they no longer wish to use to build their own family, you may have a 40% chance of conceiving a child. In addition to the affordability of embryo donation and the high success rates, you have the opportunity to carry the child, control the uterine environment, and may have the ability to conceive more than one child (this will depend on the type of embryo donation you enter into, as well as the number and quality of the embryos donated to you).
If you don’t have a functioning uterus, gestational surrogacy is another option for becoming a parent. Using either your own gametes (genetic material), or an embryo created from egg or sperm donation (or sometimes both), another woman can carry a child for you and you will have all legal and parental rights upon that child’s birth. Surrogacy laws vary by State, and it’s far from inexpensive, but when done correctly, surrogacy is a wonderful means of building a family.
And let’s not forget what is now almost considered boring: IVF. If you have a viable uterus, eggs and/or sperm but for other reasons have difficulty conceiving on your own, with the assistance of In Vitro Fertilization, your chances of conceiving get better every day. With the improvement of the culture medium used to nourish embryos, together with advances in reproductive medicine, some families will have as high as a 70% chance of conceiving. Although the vast majority of families using IVF will need more than one attempt before conceiving, this is a technology that should not be ignored.
Other things to consider are:
PGD, (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis). This enables you to select only those embryos that appear chromosomally normal for embryo transfer in an IVF cycle. For older infertility patients, those with a family history of hereditary illness, or those with recurrent pregnancy loss, PGD can increase your chances of conceiving a healthy baby.
ICSI, (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection). This is where doctors inject the sperm into the egg to help facilitate fertilization. For families with male factor infertility this can help side-step problems with sperm that might prevent it from fertilizing an egg.
DNA Fragmentation Assay. This is a test performed on sperm to determine whether the sperm are chromosomally normal. Although there is a large range of “grey area” where it is unclear whether the sperm are going to cause problems with conception or pregnancy loss, this is proving to be a very important aspect in solving cases of recurrent pregnancy loss, IVF failure, or otherwise diagnosing “hidden” infertility issues.
Blood Clotting Disorders and other immune issues. Do you have unexplained pregnancy loss or IVF failure (with an egg donor)? Go get a work-up from a hematologist or other doctor specializing in diagnosing harder to find infertility issues. Sadly many physicians routinely overlook or discredit the influence or impact of blood clotting and/or immune issues on the ability of an embryo to implant in the uterus, or to the ongoing development of a baby.
Are you going to stay silent, or are you going to talk with me here about what you are feeling, what you are trying to do to overcome your infertility, or what you did that helped you overcome it? Speak. If not here, then find somewhere. Please.
