My office is trying to help (and I blogged about it somewhere) that we’re offering free legal services to people who are strapped and we’re offering discounts to people who get a postcard from our office from their doctor, clinic, psychologist or just from a huge mailing we’re doing . . . I’m trying to help.  I’m trying to get people to give me a list of creative financing too.  I want to hear how people are coming up with the money.  Sharing information is the best way to help isn’t it?  Angie Best Boss and Evelina Wideman are about to publish a book on Budgeting for Infertility.  It’s a great resource.  But there needs to be more.

And so I also am going to start a discussion about the Federal Adoption Tax Credit.  I still don’t get how people don’t know about this huge resource for helping you afford adoption expenses.  And I am going to keep a running list of tips and ideas that people share here.

But I do need everyone’s help. Whether it’s venting about your own financial situation or giving me a tip I can share with people who visit the site, I want to know how everyone is swinging this stuff.  Cuz I know we’re all not trying to have babies to fill our new VW minivan. 

Liz

Shortly after this incident, and all that it brought up inside my head (and let’s face it, I do think things through rather thoroughly, although not to the same “obsessive” degree as the angry infertile were somehow accused of during that conference), a woman posted a comment to my blog about Brooke Shields’s VW ad.  She commented that she was relieved to see she wasn’t the only person who had an adverse reaction to the ad.  She was relieved to discover that she wasn’t the only angry infertile person out there.  No my friend, you aren’t, there are plenty of us out there. 

Cut to me trying to squeeze in a quick-read of a People Magazine article about that family with 8 kids that has a t.v. show on TLC.  I had really admired them and the fact that they were keeping their marriage together, their lives organized, all the while parenting twins AND sextuplets.  (People Magazine Octoer 15th, 2008).  At the end of the article they talk about wanting more kids and adopting.  Now I am really pysched.  Here they are parenting all these kids and they want to adopt, and adopt internationally to boot!  WOOHOO.  And then my blood turned cold.  “Kate confesses, ‘We still want to know what ‘one’ is like.”  I stopped dead in my tracks.  The past few weeks of re-living my infertility, feeling the pain of a stranger who was (like me) deeply offended by an insensitive advertisement . . . they just want to know what “ONE” is like.  Can I swear here?  Is that allowed?  This is my blog right?  Okay, I’ll keep it censored (for now).  But seriously, how many of my clients and my friends would KILL to have just “ONE” . . . who spend their life savings and switch jobs for better insurance coverage, who take second mortgages all in the desire to have just “ONE” . . . these people who are blessed with eight children, who got freaking lucky with their IUI cycles and NEVER had to try IVF want to see what having just one child is like.

Yeah, I am just another angry infertile woman.  And so I have created this column on my blog where I am going to vent and rant and OUT every insensitive, uninformed, moronic remark, advertisement whatever . . . I am not going to take it any longer.  I am proud to be another angry infertile woman.  We’re tough.  I bet Kate is pretty tough too.  My best friend has triplets, I know how hard multiples are . . . but seriously girl . . . APOLOGIZE NOW.  That was a hurtful, insensitive remark. 

Yes Ma’am, I am proud to be just another angry infertile woman.  And I am not about to shut up about it either.  If you hear or see anything in the media that is offensive or hurtful, lemme know.  This is where we get our payback.  I don’t care if its politically correct or not.  It’s time to band together, to unite for the cause.

Treat us with dignity or suffer the consequences in this blog.

My official thumbs down go to VW and Kate, mother of 8, who wants to know what its like to just have “one.”

Why aren’t there more frozen embryos available for donation/adoption and why are the majority of those people with frozen embryos not able to donate them when they want to??

The answer is two-fold. 

First: The biggest stumbling block to making embryos eligible for donation has to do with FDA regulations regarding screening for infectious diseases.  Many, many of the cryopreserved embryos in storage today are not eligible for donation because at the time the embryo was created, the genetic parents of that embryo (either one or both of them) were not screened for certain infectious diseases, tests which are now required to be performed in order to make that embryo eligible for donation.  At the time many of these frozen embryos were created, the FDA did not require the infectious disease screening and thus the embryos are now not eligible for donation because NOW the FDA requires the screening before an embryo can be donated.  Did that make sense?  If not, leave a comment and I will try and clarify.

Next problem: The FDA regulations and the implications of the testing are so misundersttod that even today, when the screening is MANDATED, the people undergoing the IVF are NOT always informed by the medical personnel at the clinic where they are being treated that, should they ever want to donate any embryos for purposes of a third-party’s conception that both genetic parents MUST be tested for these infectious diseases.  Let me use an example to help understand the distinction about how the testing might have a greater impact on you than someone else:  when the embryo will be created using donor eggs the egg donor is automatically screened by your clinic pursuant to the FDA regs.; otherwise she cannot donate the eggs to the recipient(s).  If the recipient(s) want to donate one of the embryos created using the donor’s eggs, the male gamete provider (sometimes known as a husband) also has to have the infectious disease screening.  I cannot tell you how many times my clients go to their clinic and have to ASK to have the husband tested in addition to the donor.  I believe the FDA regs require both gamete providers to be tested now, but it would appear from my clients’ experiences that on more than one occasion the clinic or the person at the clinic with whom they are speaking (and I am trying to be fair, it is possible that my clients were talking to the wrong people who didn’t know about the FDA issues I am blogging about) indicated that the husband would not otherwise have been tested unless they had specifically requested it!

SO . . . Let’s say that tomorrow you are going in for egg retrieval and you and your partner want the right to donate any embryos you don’t use, did your clinic tell you that both you and your partner have to be tested?  Did they test you both, twice?  Did they even ask you whether you might want to donate?  I bet not.

So, Mel.  To answer your question.  It all comes down to when the embryos were created in relation to the FDA regs and whether both gamete providers were appropriately screened when the embryos were created.

(1) almost any attorney, clinic, or agency that is helping people donate embryos will discuss whether the donating “parent(s)” would want any degree of openness or contact to exist between the families; this would enable the children/siblings to meet each other at a later point in time or from day one depending on familial preference. 

(2) most of my clients who are now negotiating agreements with egg donors are REQUESTING that their donor agree to permit them to donate any unusued cryopreserved embryos for purposes of another infertile family’s conception.  In this case there clearly isn’t a full genetic link but when I discuss the issue with my client, the decision to donate doesn’t revolve around whether or not the children have full or half siblings, it’s based on a need or desire to HELP other families.

(3)  There are numerous adoptions conducted in this Country where a baby is placed for adoption when the parents are raising that baby’s full siblings.  The birth mothers who choose to make an adoption plan in this situation are already pregnant and BONDING (whether they want to or not) with the baby they are carrying.  If they can make an adoption plan under these circumstances — which in my opinion are much harder circumstances than considering donating embryos that may not implant and result in a pregnancy or live birth — than why should it be different for families with frozen embryos?

(4) I have helped people donate embryos that are full siblings to the children they created during the IVF cycle that produced the frozen embryos.  These parents had no problems with donating the embryos even though the siblings would be genetically related. 

As I sit hear reading this I realize that my article is probably going to fall on deaf ears because of the fewer than 2% of the estimated 400,000 embryos in frozen storage which are even eligible for donation (and this has to be another blog topic–why so few embryos are available for donation), most of those families won’t consent to donation.

So why aren’t people agreeing to donate embryos?  Would you donate your frozen embryos?

http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2006/06/whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you.html

My first suggestions are:

Kneipp aromatherapy bath oils (I always bought it at Apthorp Pharmacy in NYC when I was picking up my PIO), it is kind of hard to find and kind of pricey . . . but in my opinion worth every penny!

Victoria’s Secret line of scented moisturizer’s like Pure Seduction (as if anyone is getting any of that right now!)

and for music:  Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar (sp?), Danny’s Song by Loggins & Messina, I would Die for That by Kellie Coffee, and the Dixie Chix song (I have to get the title, I always forget it) about infertility.

and the lawyer in me must say that nothing contained in this blog shall be deemed a product endorsement, please make sure you are not allergic to any products before use and check with your physician about the safety of aromatherapy during pregnancy.  lol!  yeah, I had to do it.  sorry.

Anyone got anything they want to add to the list?

I remember the scene from Mr. Mom (yeah okay, I am that old) where Terri Gar (sp?) is pitching an advertising campaign for canned tuna and talks about the economy and how the company should offer to reduce the price of its tuna to help the American people with their food bills.  Brilliant!! (and like VW is going to do that anytime soon . . . and when am I going to let that go??)!  So it gave me an idea . . . my office is offering free legal services every fiscal quarter.  You show me and my financial advisors that you’re really tapped out and we’ll draft your egg donation agreement or your surrogacy agreement for FREE!  I am also sending out a huge mailing to clinics and agencies with tons of postcards that give everyone 10% off any of our services.  see http://storklawyer.com/free-stuff/

But I want more ideas.  I am compiling a list of resources for people that will be available on my website for ways to pay for treatment or adoption and I need input.  My first thing to put on the Financially Friendly Family Building Fact Sheet is:

Budgeting for Infertility:  How to Bring Home a Baby Without Breaking the Bank by Angie Best-Boss and Evelina Weidman Sterling (Fireside Books).

Angie and Evelina, job well done!

so let me hear those ideas!!!

Having babies just to get German engineering?  Having Babies so you can buy a Minivan.  PULEASE.

Now let me clarify that today I pointed to my own minivan and proudly declared it my badge of motherhood.  I drive a minivan because I worked damn hard to become a mother.  And if I have my way, all of those 8 seats in my minivan will be filled with children or paraphanalia related to children.  My Minivan is My Status Symbol that I am a MOM.  So don’t mess with me when it comes to minivans.  I think they are way cool (and it does have 260 hp, put that up against most cars and see who’s got the ova?). 

Which brings me back to Brooke Shields person promoting VW’s new minivan. How insensitive can she be to her own people?  Really, like I am going to go out and have another baby to buy a VW minivan (which looks amazingly like my Honda Odyssey)?  Like I can JUST GO OUT AND GET PREGNANT FOR ANY OL’ REASON?  LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE OF WHEN AND HOW I MIGHT PROCREATE?

And more to the point, like I am going to be able to afford a new car anytime soon if I do undergo tens of thousands of dollars of assisted reproductive technologies or adoption expenses to have another child?  I guess Brooke never had to consider how expensive her IVF cost?  Maybe I should change the title of my book that even millionaires think this stuff is expensive.  Apparently the Shields family is rolling in it and doesn’t realize that in this economy, most of us are worried about our mortgage payments and the next IVF bill and not so much concerned about driving a fancy new minivan. I know I’ll be driving that Honda for a very long time  . . . and I’ll bet Brooke that my Honda outlasts her VW. 

But more to the point, I am tired, so tired of the hypocricy in Hollywood.  For once, I had a celebrity that I adored from childhood, that I had a personal connection to on so many different levels.  And I hate, loathe and despise the fact that she put her name on an ad that is so hurtful to millions of Americans trying to conceive or adopt everyday.  She sold out.  on us.  on me. 

And shame on VW.  I hope that the the millions of Americans struggling to have a baby boycott a company that equates baby-making with going on a little shopping spree.  My god, the analogy is appalling.

Buy a VW (and I used to own one) . . . never, ever again.  Watch Lipstick Jungle.  Not really sure about that, then again, I live in a cave and don’t get a lot of t.v. time anyway. 

and yeah, I’m back and I’m blogging!  Thanks for your patience.

I tried, and Danielle tried, to explain to her that it doesn’t really matter either way. In fact, I just learned at that amazing conference in Charleston that first time, “unproven,” donors have the same success rates as proven donors. Donors are so carefully screened these days for their fertility that approximately 70% of donors will get the recipient parents pregnant; regardless of whether they have cycled before or not with another recipient family.

But, alas my client couldn’t be persuaded. Much to my surprise as most of clients will only work with a proven donor. This woman was terribly afraid that working with an experienced donor meant she had a greater likelihood of having the “bad” cycle happen during her match with this donor, and that she’d get a crappy bunch of eggs. Statistics don’t bear this fear out at all . . . but since she’s just as likely to get pregnant either way (proven or unproven donor); I suppose it doesn’t really matter?

I did it myself when my husband and I were going through infertility and adoption stuff. It gave me the peace of mind of knowing I was going to be a mom no matter what! It totally took the pressure off of my last IVF cycle and when I miscarried with that cycle (and it was the earliest miscarriage of them all, thus reaffirming my decision to pursue an adoption . . . it seemed like a sign from the Universe that we had made the right decision to pursue adoption!), well I didn’t dwell on it as much. I still had a lot of grieving to do but I didn’t have that anxiety about “what if the next cycle doesn’t work?” or “am I ever going to become a mom?” I knew that because we had started a domestic adoption plan and had our paperwork started that I was steps closer to finding a birth family. In fact, I was so relieved that we had started the adoption process and I didn’t have to start something new from scratch!

We were up front with our adoption case workers and we knew that if I got pregnant and carried to the second trimester that we would put our adoption on hold and see whether I delivered a baby. Having that plan, knowing what we would do if I did get pregnant was important for our adoption professionals; and as an adoption professional now it is a question I make sure to ask. I want to know that my clients have thought through the process completely and they aren’t going to bail on a birth mother if they get pregnant. Or at least, I get assurances from them that they will be honest with any birth mother with whom they might be working and let her know they are pregnant and give her the choice about whether she will still work with them toward a successful adoption (and yes, some birth mothers will keep working with you). But then I have to ask my client if they are prepared to parent two children born very closely together? It’s a lot of work!

I know not all adoption professionals agree with me, but as a former infertility patient I think you need to pursue all avenues to parenthood that may be available to you and right for you. As long as you know where your priorities lie, you don’t lie or misrepresent your intentions, and what you will do if you get pregnant while working toward an adoption, who should judge you for trying to move things along as quickly as possible?