January 14, 2011 | By: Liz | Filed under: Announcements,Check This Out,Current Affairs,Egg Donation,I'm Just Another Angry Infertile Woman,In the News,Infertility In The Movies etc.,IVF,Personal Musings,Thinking Out Loud,Third-Party Assisted Reproduction
I know I haven’t been blogging very much and I know I keep promising that I will. Honestly, I have been trying to determine what type of “voice” I want my blog to have. Do I want to be a voice of comfort, reassurance and peace of mind, do I want to discuss topics that are highly relevant and even personal to me with respect to infertility as I am an infertility warrior, or do I want to speak as an expert in my field and educate people. I suppose I could find a way to do all three and I haven’t yet found the right “pitch” (just continuing the voice metaphor here folks) to launch some knew blogs. And I think I found it.
I try and stay out of highly controversial discussions in my industry and to avoid taking sides unless I feel passionately about the issue. Sometimes blogging backfires (ala Sarah Palin’s recent “hit list” and the resulting death of 15 people). But I have come across another of those issues that MUST be discussed, so I am hereby entering into the foray and it’s along the lines of my “what was Brooke Shields thinking” blogs.
Let’s get real for a moment and turn to a movie reel about egg donation.
I today learned that the “documentary” Eggsploitation was announced to have been nominated as best documentary. When I read this on FaceBook this morning I almost vomitted. For those of you who haven’t seen it . . . and please don’t see it if you are considering either becoming an egg donor or using an egg donor to build a family . . . it is highly inaccurate and inflammatory. Please understand that I am trying to be nice.
The movie is an attempt by right wing, pro-life. Christian conservatives to reveal the “real world of egg donation”. And Honey, it doesn’t. It serves one purpose only, to promote an anti-IVF anti-egg donation agenda. And in my mind it isn’t a documentary unless you are basing your documentary on something with a substantial amount of truth or accuracy. A documentary by one definition is the “creative treatment of actuality”. I will agree to the creative part with respect to this film, but not the actuality part (with one caveat, I will agree that egg donation exists as a means to build a family). Another definition says that a documentary presents the facts with little or no additions. Isn’t it a failure to present the facts if you only present one side, or one statistically insignificant, rare and otherwise atypical aspect of something, i.e. ONE fact when there are many facts to be discussed?
This film is based on untruths, inaccuracies, mythical stories, and an agenda. It veils itself as a documentary in order to lend some false sense of “truth” to the movie’s topic, the exploitation of egg donors and recipient families all to the benefit of the massive money generating industry of reproductive medicine.
The reproductive industry has responded many times in opposition to the film, as have many of my colleagues (for example, here is another blog on the topic http://weblog.prospectivefamilies.com/2011/01/13/what-more-is-there-to-say-about-eggsploitation/ ). I think it’s pretty much a universal sentiment in my world, both professional and personal, that this movie has nothing to do with reality and is serving to mislead the general public about a viable and very successful means of family building, egg donation.
I really think it has gotten to the point that the movie is now exploiting itself for its own financial benefit. They are now twisting all the negative media attention into an argument that if they weren’t so “right” about the industry that there wouldn’t be so many defensive and anti-Eggsploitation blogs/articles/reviews. It’s kind of like the old saying “you know you’ve done something right if they’re shooting at you!” And they are using that to drive more people into movie theaters.
Well I don’t think they’ve done anything right, I am disgusted by the MOVIE, and I am disgusted that anyone would think it was worthy of the title “best” in anything. I haven’t spoken out before because I didn’t want to further publicize this movie and thus encourage people to watch it — even if it is to see how wrong it is.
And for the love of all that is sacred about the word FAMILY, I respectfully request that the movie industry get a grip and get real. Don’t endorse this movie. Many a Hollywood family has been created through the gift of egg donation. Do you really want to slap your egg donor in the face like that? By promoting, endorsing, and casting something that she did to help you have a baby and a family, in such a negative, illicit and patronizing light?
I’m not saying the world of reproductive medicine is perfect. I have some bones to pick with things that happen in the world in which work. And I will cut the producers of this movie and Hollywood some slack and say that if you are going to focus on the very creative aspects of the use of truth to create a dialog (albeit the wrong dialog) then okay maybe this is a documentary. But it’s a documentary that I refuse to endorse on any level.
Someone can, and should, do a better job at looking at the gifts that third party assisted reproduction are giving to infertile families.
Blech Blech Blech.
October 16, 2010 | By: Liz | Filed under: Check This Out,Current Affairs,In the News,Infertility on Television,Personal Musings,Thinking Out Loud
According to a report in a Los Angeles newspaper today, the Octomom’s doctor is facing a hearing on Monday where he may lose his license. Personally, I think what he did was malpractice and showed tremendous lack of forethought regarding the impact on this woman’s life and her family. I don’t know that he could have predicted the societal impact and the repercussion in the reproductive medical industry. But I wanted to know what you think!
With all the recent emphasis on single embryo transfer, and avoidance of multiple pregnancy (a twin pregnancy is now considered a management failure at some IVF Clinics), should patients in consultation with their doctors be the ones to choose to how many embryos to transfer or should doctors face regulation or possible loss of their medical license for listening to their patient when she asks to have multiple embryos transferred when it might be advisable to limit the number transferred?
Here’s the link to the article for more info:#mce_temp_url#
(in case the link doesn’t work, cut and paste this URL http://www.whittierdailynews.com/news/ci_16351124)
Tags: Economy, hollywood, infertility, IVF, Success rates
October 15, 2010 | By: Liz | Filed under: Uncategorized
Joanna Weiss of the Boston Globe just wrote a wonderful article validating the experience of being infertile and the shame and awkwardness that women feel, even today in 2010. Acknowledging that there are many factors involved in infertility (not everyone is fighting that NOvary™ ), she also talks about how Hollywood and actresses over 40 who are not disclosing the assistance they “might” have received, or those (for example, JLo) who have openly slammed infertility despite suspected use of IVF services, aren’t helping matters.
I’d like to thank Ms. Weiss and the Boston Globe for publishing this article. I have a lot of thoughts – as you know – about the role that movies and actresses who experience infertility play in perpetuating the shame. I know as an attorney in this industry that many women who conceive using an egg donor may not have the ability to speak openly about it as a result of their egg donation agreement which requires them to maintain silence to preserve anonymity and confidentiality of the parties involved. There is also a strong argument to be made that this is a private matter involving family, and a child’s conception, both of which are sacred issues to be shared when and how that family deems appropriate.
But the law and common sense don’t necessarily apply the same standards to those who seek the limelight. I would like those public figures who are considering using egg donation – or those who are experiencing battles with infertility of all kinds, not just your dreaded biological clock and the NOvary™ – to reconsider their position. You can draft an egg donation agreement that permits you to acknowledge that you received assistance through IVF or even third-party assisted reproduction and you can do it while maintaining the privacy and confidentiality of your egg donation arrangement.
But there is more to this than whether someone can disclose we went through an egg donation. As Ms. Weiss points out the real question remains, why won’t anyone do it?
In 2010 why is it still a stigma to have problems conceiving? Federal Courts acknowledge that infertility is a disability. Infertility is a disease! While we are all in pain and do want to protect ourselves and our hearts from the sadness we are coping with, if we all came out of the closet, wouldn’t it be easier to get through it in the first place? You wouldn’t have to avoid eye contact with everyone else in your clinic’s waiting room (I hated that!!!), you could make friends (one of my BFF was made during IF treatment and I wouldn’t go back for a second if it would mean I would not have gotten a chance to meet this woman), you could have SUPPORT.
This is not a shameful thing. We all need to stand together and tell insurance companies to get with it (if a federal judge can figure this out than an insurance company can – I bet there would be a huge spike in enrollment in insurance companies that offered coverage, and I bet it would ultimately lower the cost of care and not cause it to rise as some have posited recently), and tell each other it’s okay.
Ms. Weiss suggests that when our kids are older and in school they will know about IVF and ICSI. I want her to know that in my little world, my kids’ friends already know about this and the moms do discuss it. Even those moms who didn’t have trouble conceiving are well educated, informed and supportive (for the most part). It is coming out of the closet, but it’s coming out after the fact, after the pain is over. That’s not right.
12 million of us are experience this journey. If you are experiencing infertility today, you’re in good company. Just read the latest tabloid journal about whatever 40+ actress just gave birth to twins, or whatever 45+ actress gave birth to a singleton. Chances are the 40+ actress had some help. And I am pretty sure that the 45+ actresses did have help.
Why keep it a secret? Who are we helping? We certainly are not helping our children who might one day be faced with this too. I remember my grandmother once telling me that no one discussed miscarriages because it was so shameful to have one, so you just went through it alone, crying in the bathroom and absorbing obnoxious, patriarchal comments from your doctor. She was envious that women today are so open about miscarriage. I’m not sure I agree with her that we are open about miscarriage or that we are honest enough about any of this. But she’s right we are making progress at least with respect to miscarriage and pregnancy loss. But it’s not enough. Ms. Weiss has written a wonderful article and I for one am very grateful for her openness.
You can read the article at: http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2010/10/10/the_world_of_fertility/
Thank you Ms. Weiss!
September 23, 2010 | By: Liz | Filed under: Age and Infertility,Egg Donation,IVF,The Journey to Parenthood,Thinking Out Loud,Third-Party Assisted Reproduction,Treatment
Most people who know me, know that I am in my mid-early 40’s. Turning 40 wasn’t a big deal for me. I have such a baby face that sometimes I have a hard time getting people to take me seriously. Turning 40 for me was a milestone of maturity I had long waited for. You have to take a woman in her 40’s seriously. If for no other reason than you’ve got the mileage to deserve it. And yes, thanks to amazing strides in modern medicine (not to mention Botox® and Viagra®), people are living longer and are taking the time to enjoy their life; people are doing things later in life and enjoying them with the vigor and spirit of someone fifteen to twenties years younger. No longer are we rushing ala “Mad Men” into marriage and childbearing in our 20’s. Women are taking the time to establish themselves and find the right mate. Forty has thus become to the former Twenty-Somethings, what 30 was to our parents’ generation.
There is a lot more fun to be had and work to be accomplished, praise to be garnished and shopping for hot “Jeggings” (well maybe not for me) to be done in one’s 40’s. The “not your mom’s kind of jeans” have given way to a new look for those of us who are fabulous and 40: long hair and tight jeans are acceptable on a 40 year old woman’s body. No longer are these considered unacceptable for a woman of a “certain age”! No longer does turning 40 qualify you as a “woman of a certain age” and for that matter, neither does turning 50!! As a dear friend of mine recently turned 40 and all her friends gave her a shout-out on Facebook (and yes, someone not yet 40 begged my friend to confirm that 40 is the new 30), it was generally considered among her already 40 friends that turning 40 was a cause for celebration. So yes, my friends, your 40’s are a decade to be embraced and not dreaded.
Except for one small, “eensy weensy” factor of which no woman should ignore and most women to my surprise are unaware of . . . have you met
The NOvary?
Who or What is the NOvary? Well, let me fill you in! The NOvary is the any-woman’s ovary who has decided not to cooperate with her plans to become a mother. The NOvary does not care if you’re 30, 35 or 40. She can and does reside in all women of all ages. However, she tends to emerge with more Attitude at or around the time you turn 35. And by the time you turn 40, the NOvary has almost universally decided to take over your reproductive system and your Plan. The NOvary defies what medical science and a good cosmetic dermatologist have allowed us to enjoy — another decade of productivity and passion for all things, most especially those career, clothing or relationship related. Because let’s face it, not every woman is ready to, or wants to have a child, in her 30’s. Indeed, we have been taught to wait and enjoy, and to relish life! And we should!! But then as we turn 40 and we’ve lined all our nice little ducks in a row, or decided we don’t need our ducks to be in a row, and we consider parenting, we come face to face with the not-so-new but seemingly unknown nemesis to pregnancy and motherhood:
The NOvary.
The NOvary is the Ovary that says NO to all your carefully defined and created plans. In the world of fertility, or rather infertility, 40 is from the reproductive endocrinologist’s standpoint, the death of your childbearing years. The NOvary has not run a slick social media champagne – in fact it’s quite the opposite – she has been enjoying our ride along with us all the while knowing her little secret, and enjoying her secret power. The NOvary is the Ovary that no longer makes healthy eggs and she is so stealthy and sophisticated that you can actually conceive on your own for a few years as she gains her power and comes into her prime. But even though she hasn’t hit her full capabilities to destroy your dreams (or so you think) her influence over the eggs she releases on your behalf will cause you to miscarry, and miscarry again. Lulled into a false sense of security that your eggs are working because you are getting pregnant, she continues to work her evil spell, pushing you farther and farther into her control.
So powerful is the NOvary that she can continue to elude you into believing that you are still fertile even though you’re 40. So powerful is the NOvary that she can fool even the smartest of reproductive endocrinologists who will look at all your Day-3 data, manage to retrieve some very “healthy” looking eggs from your ovaries, only to find that those fertilized eggs and “beautiful” preembryos don’t turn into the baby you are longing for. The NOvary can place the cleverest of masks on eggs that are on the verge of retiring, and making them look as fabulous as you do in your 40 something glory. But the NOvary knows: your eggs have long since passed their expiration date.
How do I know this? How did I meet the dreaded and feared NOvary? Over hundreds (and I unfortunately mean hundreds) of my clients have battled her, failed to defeat her, and then faced the reality that (whether they are Thirty-Somethings or Forty-Somethings, married, career in place, or otherwise just determined to become a mom), if they want to realize their dreams of becoming pregnant and having a baby that they would need to bypass the NOvary altogether.
Yes, we can defeat the NOvary. You still have options and a powerful weapon to defeat the NOvary; one of those options is donor eggs and your success rate using donor eggs is about 50 to 60 times higher (perhaps more than that) than your chances are of defeating the NOvary. Yes, you read that correctly, success rates for using donor eggs are (at some fertility clinics) close to a 60% live birth rate!
Just as medical science has preserved your beauty and created a body that does not look, act or feel anywhere near 40, it has created a technology that can put the NOvary out of business! But be warned, while 40 is truly the new 30 . . . the NOvary has no intention of catching up with the rest of us, and if you want to have a baby and you haven’t yet decided to TTC or the TTCing isn’t going anywhere, consider the fact that she may be up to her devilish deeds.
Celebrate your age and enjoy your life . . . but please don’t forget she’s out there . . . looming in the shadows and finding new ways to avoid detection by physicians and scientists alike . . . and her name is the NOvary!
Liz
p.s. up next, another option for defeating the NOvary . . . stay tuned!
Tags: biological clock, Egg Donation, Facebook, IVF, miscarriage, premature ovarian failure
August 19, 2010 | By: Liz | Filed under: Current Affairs,Egg Donation,Faith and Infertility,In the News,Infertility In The Movies etc.,Peace to Parenthood,Personal Musings,The Journey to Parenthood,Thinking Out Loud,Uncategorized,visualization
Everyone knows that I am fan of Jennifer’s. I actually probably wouldn’t be married to my DH if it wasn’t for some advice her mom gave me a long time ago. But seriously, Jennifer is an extraordinary woman in all respects, and from my perspective even more so for the way she is approaching her quest to be a mom.
At 41, most of know that Jennifer is likely to be facing some fertility issues (although with her health conscious lifestyle and yoga-bod maybe she’s found the way to turn back time, she sure looks it anyway!). While most of us would be doing a little freak-out dance now, and panicking about the ticking time bomb that are our ovaries, Ms. Aniston seems anything but panicked. In fact, she seems rather Zen about it all. And that is exactly my point and what inspires me.
First, the woman KNOWS she is going to be a mom. One way or another the woman has total and complete faith that she will become a mom. Rather than spiraling into depression (as I did and many of us do), Jennifer has seemed to have found a way to let go and TRUST. This is, I think, the gateway to success.
I really truly believe that it is when you completely accept and embrace the concept that you will be a mother, no matter what and no matter how (IUI, IVF, IVF donor egg, gestational surrogacy, adoption, whatever is your path), that fertility treatments have the highest success rates. Study after study shows that the mind-body connection cannot and should not be ignored. Women who are able to be in the place that Jennifer Aniston seems to be in, are the women who are more likely to succeed with fertility treatments. It’s fact not fiction. I know — as does JA — that she’s got an edge on success that I wish more of my friends and clients had: The inner-knowingness of the inevitability of their impending state of motherhood.
Another thing that I think sets her apart from many of us (and I include myself in this group when I was in the first 4 or 5 years of treatment), is that by all media accounts, she seems fairly open to many different paths to parenthood. I am not privy to her conversations with her BFF’s but I am guessing that there isn’t much she isn’t considering about how she’s going to become a mom. That too puts her on the fast track to “mommydom”. Not all of us can be as enlightened and confident as she is, and I am not saying that she doesn’t have her moments of . . . doubt . . . but I really think that the confidence and openness that Jennifer Aniston is talking about whenever she is interviewed about becoming a mom is something that tells me it ain’t gonna be long before she’s announcing the arrival or the impending arrival of a little baby Aniston.
And for what its worth, I think she’s a fantastic role model for every woman, single or married, over the age of 35 who’s trying to become a mom.
ASSUME IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, AND IT WILL.
p.s. and when you can’t totally assume it will happen, fake it, fake it until you make-it . . . because that’s another sure fire way to get your mommy-Zen fire burning.
Tags: actresses, adoption, biological clock, Egg Donation, hollywood, hope, infertility, Inspiration, intent, movies, Peace to Parenthood, visualization
