At 41, most of know that Jennifer is likely to be facing some fertility issues (although with her health conscious lifestyle and yoga-bod maybe she’s found the way to turn back time, she sure looks it anyway!).  While most of us would be doing a little freak-out dance now, and panicking about the ticking time bomb that are our ovaries, Ms. Aniston seems anything but panicked.  In fact, she seems rather Zen about it all.  And that is exactly my point and what inspires me.

First, the woman KNOWS she is going to be a mom.  One way or another the woman has total and complete faith that she will become a mom.  Rather than spiraling into depression (as I did and many of us do), Jennifer has seemed to have found a way to let go and TRUST.  This is, I think, the gateway to success.

I really truly believe that it is when you completely accept and embrace the concept that you will be a mother, no matter what and no matter how (IUI, IVF, IVF donor egg, gestational surrogacy, adoption, whatever is your path), that fertility treatments have the highest success rates.  Study after study shows that the mind-body connection cannot and should not be ignored.  Women who are able to be in the place that Jennifer Aniston seems to be in, are the women who are more likely to succeed with fertility treatments.  It’s fact not fiction.  I know — as does JA — that she’s got an edge on success that I wish more of my friends and clients had: The inner-knowingness of the inevitability of their impending state of motherhood.

Another thing that I think sets her apart from many of us (and I include myself in this group when I was in the first 4 or 5 years of treatment), is that by all media accounts, she seems fairly open to many different paths to parenthood.  I am not privy to her conversations with her BFF’s but I am guessing that there isn’t much she isn’t considering about how she’s going to become a mom.  That too puts her on the fast track to “mommydom”.  Not all of us can be as enlightened and confident as she is, and I am not saying that she doesn’t have her moments of . . . doubt  . . . but I really think that the confidence and openness that Jennifer Aniston is talking about whenever she is interviewed about becoming a mom is something that tells me it ain’t gonna be long before she’s announcing the arrival or the impending arrival of a little baby Aniston.

And for what its worth, I think she’s a fantastic role model for every woman, single or married, over the age of 35 who’s trying to become a mom.

ASSUME IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, AND IT WILL.

p.s. and when you can’t totally assume it will happen, fake it, fake it until you make-it  . . . because that’s another sure fire way to get your mommy-Zen fire burning.

In the story, the prosecutor decided to use the fact that one of the defendants (who was a daughter of the guy who died and who was supposed to inherit ten million dollars) had conceived a child with her lesbian partner using an egg donor (at least I think it was an egg donor, it could have been that the defendant female partner had donated her eggs to her lesbian partner so that her partner could carry the baby for them to raise together . . . however, the prosecutor kept using the term “egg donor” so I assumed that the couple had used an egg donor and were planning on raising the baby together).  To further complicate matters, the lesbian couple had entered into an adoption whereby one partner had adopted the other so that they could obtain insurance together etc. and more relevant to the Law and Order story line, to inherit money together.

The prosecutor wanted to use the fact that the baby, because it was conceived via an egg donor, was not really their child (biological or otherwise) to cut off any inheritance rights the baby might have to the ten million dollars, and thus deny the defendant her right to benefit from the baby inheriting the money.

This had to be  a recent episode of Law and Order as the prosecutor is someone new, and Sam Waterston (sp?) is now the District Attorney or is in a more senior role and not trying cases.  The law as it pertains to same sex couples in NY has been pretty well established for several years.  Adopting an adult for purposes of a establishing a legal relationship between same sex partners is extremely difficult to do, and I believe there are and have been enough other laws that protect or recognize same sex marriages in NY that the adoption aspect of the story line was just plain stupid and offensive (if not legally wrong)!  I don’t believe that one adult can adopt another adult.  But . . .

Second and more to the point.  Law and Order got the law wrong on egg donation!!!!!!!!!!!

Let’s assume first that it was a true egg donation whereby this couple used an egg donor to conceive a child they would parent together (and not that one partner was donating her egg to the other for purposes of conception).  In NY, although there is no statute, there is a case that specifically states that woman who gives birth to a child or children conceived via egg donation is the legal and natural mother of that child or children.  McDonald v. McDonald, 196 A.D.2d 7, 12, 608 N.Y.S.2d 477 (App. Div. 2d Dep’t 1994) (finding woman who gave birth to child conceived through egg donation to be “the natural mother of the children. . . .”).  Indeed, this case and a long line of other cases in NY deal with the presumption that a woman who gives birth to a child in NY is the legal and natural mother of that child.

Law and Order usually has lawyers that check the facts and the law on its episodes.  I am absolutely dumbfounded that they got this so wrong.  Regardless of whether one member of this partnership donated an egg to her partner or whether they used an egg donor, that baby was the legal child of the woman who was going to give birth to it.  Assuming the two members of this partnership had a legal relationship that could be recognized in NY (and maybe I am wrong on the adoption thing, but it seems that in 2010 it is easier to go to MA or Canada and get married than to try and adopt an adult (???) to create a legal union), that baby was a baby of their partnership and their love for one another, and if the baby was delivered in New York City or any of the five boroughs and they were legally married, then both of their names would go on the birth certificate.

This manipulative and legally inaccurate representation of same sex partnership laws, same sex parentage laws, and egg donation is staggeringly offensive and WRONG.  Where were Law and Order’s lawyers in this?  Do they no longer check that their story lines are factually and legally correct?  And if they have lawyers, may I take a guess that their lawyers are 80 year old homophobic men and that the show’s writers must have been on acid when they wrote this episode.

I am anxious to watch a re-run of this show and figure out what the facts were, and to determine just how wrong Law and Order got the law and order of reproductive law.

I mean really, you want to accuse me of moral relativism for going through 7 IVF cycles, 10 miscarriages, and three domestic adoptions (only two of which resulted in permanent placements, and my gorgeous beautiful babies), fine so be it, but don’t give me some holier than thou BS, you want to do good and say you are superior to me, adopt an older child from the foster care system, someone who has been abused or abandoned.  Sandra Bullock thanked all those very wise and strong people who have loved a child that was otherwise left without hope.  Indeed two of the Best Picture nominees, The Blind Side and Precious, would be movies I suggest the people who criticized Celine Dion and the gentleman who accused me of having poor morals, watch and think about.

Do you really think that any single one of us has the right to judge the other?  Especially when it comes to something so intimate like family building.  I don’t believe it’s conceited to want to feel a baby grow inside me.  I don’t believe it’s conceited to want to adopt a newborn, nor do I think the vast majority of birth mothers in the US are “coerced” (as that gentleman alleged) by other people into placing their child for adoption.  They may be economically coerced, they may be coerced by the life they are stuck in, but any birth mother that can make the self sacrificing choice to place her child with another family to give that child a better life (whether in this country or another) is someone truly worthy of being called a hero.  And the international adoption community was until recently (and may still be) rife with black market baby stealing, and ethical issues that the Hague was designed to prevent.  No system of child bearing, family building, whatever you want to call it is better than another.  None of us are morally superior to the other.  None of us.  We all have to walk our own path.

And as the Dixie Chics understand very well, for most of us infertile people, that path is So hard.

So do me a favor.  Lay off Celine Dion for trying to have another baby through IVF.  Lay off me for trying to help people have children however they choose to do so.  My goal is to build families and to return the gifts that have been given to me by Dr. Chung (a gift to his patients and reproductive science), all the amazing people at Cornell (M. and L., Dr. Rosenwaks and Dr. Spandorfer), my husband, my children’s birth parents, just to name a few of the people who have blessed me.

And know this, my office, my practice, my agency, are and will always hopefully be a safe haven for my clients.  I promise never to judge you.  I promise to help you achieve your dreams (even if that means working with another agency, lawyer, whatever) . . . I am paying my blessings forward (as another great movie would say).  Moral relativism or not.

And what the hell is moral relativism anyway?

In the meantime, watch this.  It’s worth it.  Infertility Movie

Three cheers to George Lopez star Constance Marie for her honesty about her struggle to conceive her beautiful baby girl and the impact age can have on infertility!

And welcome to little Luna Marie. You have an awesome Mom, and I know you will grow up to be an incredible human being with a mother as brave, centered, and caring as Constance Marie. Congratulations to the Happy Family!

Now I am off to write a letter to People’s editors!!

When Liz told me about her new idea for the blog – watching and reviewing movies about infertility and adoption – I thought it would be interesting to join in the project.  I, too, often get so irritated by the way Hollywood deals with these subjects.  Sometimes I even get angry – don’t get me started on the “shady adoption lawyer” cliché that spanned so many episodes of Desperate Housewives a few seasons ago (the entire way that show handled Gabriel’s infertility and subsequent “miraculous” conceptions really bothered me, but I will make that the subject of a different Hollywood post!).  So, Liz let me borrow her first movie – A Smile Like Yours, with Greg Kinnear and Lauren Holly, and I thought I would post my reaction here.  

I watched this movie with some friends – none of whom have any experience with infertility (to my knowledge), so it was interesting to hear the reactions from people who were not familiar with the situations presented in this movie, as well. 

We all liked it.  Ok, it’s not Oscar-worthy or anything, but it was a cute, touching movie that, in my opinion, depicted the experiences of a couple experiencing infertility honestly and sensitively.  A brief synopsis – the movie is about a couple who, after unsuccessfully attempting conception the old fashion way, find themselves trying cycle after cycle to have a child through ART, until it puts a strain on their marriage and they need to reevaluate what they really want for their marriage and their family.  I thought they did a great job of showing just how taxing the endless doctors appointments and disappointments of numerous failed cycles can be on a relationship.  Without giving away too much of the plot (for those of you who want to see the movie), let’s just say that “another woman” threatens the marriage at one point.  When I asked the roomful of people that I was with what their opinions were after watching the movie, the first thing they said was that they couldn’t believe how much strain trying to have a child could put on a couple.  They commented on how, after all those months of trying, and all those doctors appointments and medical procedures, they can see how it would be easy to loose sight of why you are doing all this in the first place, and they understood why the couple in the movie decided to step back and take a break for a while – to rediscover themselves and their marriage, and regroup before trying again.

When Liz watched the movie, she mentioned to me that she thought the ending was misleading, and I agree.  SPOILER ALERT: Don’t continue reading if you have plans to watch this movie, because I am about to reveal the ending!!  Like I mentioned, before the end of the movie, the couple decides to take a break from trying to conceive and just enjoy being married for a while.  The next scene starts with “Two Years Later” written across the screen – and the couple is happily taking their triplets out for a joy ride (in a convertible, mind you!) and playing with them at the park. There is no mention about how they had those triplets, and anyone without knowledge of ART and infertility would likely assume that it was another one of those “Hollywood miracles” (like the formally infertile Gabriel from Desperate Housewives, or Charlotte from Sex and the City who just happened to get pregnant accidentally after years of trying and being told by doctors that they were infertile).  I, and Liz, of course, immediately assumed that they went back for at least one more IVF cycle, and this time they were successful with triplets.  So I asked the people in the room with me what they thought about this scene – how did they think the couple got pregnant?  And their initial responses were along the lines of “they just relaxed about it and it happened.” Hmm….they just relaxed and had triplets on their own?  Not likely.  I explained the more likely scenario to my friends, who then agreed that I was probably right.  It is unfortunate that this otherwise well-done movie helped perpetrate the “just relax and it will happen” stereotype that seems to permeate so much of Hollywood (on-screen and off).

So…with that said, overall I would recommend this movie.  With the exception of the last scene, I think they did a great job portraying the life of a couple dealing with infertility.   I just wish they would have made the correct ending a little clearer – maybe the screen should have read “Two Years – and 2 more IVF cycles – later.”  That probably would have been more accurate!

I recently came across a book entitled “Motherhood after Age 35″ at an adoption conference I spoke at.  I was curious.  It seems so common these days for women to have children after the age of 35, why write a book about it?  What’s different about being a mother after Age 35?  I’m going to find out.

I went online on the internet movie database and compiled a preliminary list of movies about infertility and adoption.  The movie Juno was awesome, how many others are as accurate or sensitive?  I noticed that one of my favorite new books Knit Two by Kate Jacobs has a sub-plot dealing with infertility.  The Discovery Channel has a show on adoption: Adoption Stories (hey why are there no infertility stories? There are a dozen shows on having babies but why aren’t their any on infertility?)

And so I begin.  Tonight my DH and I are watching a movie entitled A Smile Like Yours starring Greg Kinnear and Lauren Holly.  I have also purchased Miss. Conception starring Heather Graham.  These are just a few of what I suspect will be a very long list of movies and books.  I am hoping I will be pleasantly surprised.  I also am hoping that I will get to spend some quality time with DH and get some good reading in. 

I will post my reviews under a new category (Infertility In The Movies etc. under the Check This Out Blog category)  and I welcome feedback and suggestions for other titles to watch/read.  Maybe I’ll  add a suggested reading/viewing list to The Two Week Wait Care Package

We shall see . . . .

I think that the news media and Hollywood do NOT understand infertility or adoption at ALL (this thought is discussed in a separate post)!  And I am sick to death of all these Hollywood actresses who get pregnant with twins in their forties (or even late thirties) and are NOT honest about how they conceived those children.  Remember I was proud of Brooke Shields not too long ago (by the way, did VW pull those advertisements?  I haven’t seen them in a while.  Has anyone seen one??) because she was honest that she went through IVF.

I have a list the length of my arm of actresses that I either have reason to know or have reason to be suspicious (deeply suspicious) that they used some form of assisted reproduction.  Let’s take Jennifer Lopez as an example.  I don’t know her, never represented her, I don’t know her from a hole in the wall.  She is, however, someone I admire.  But I don’t believe for a nano-second that she conceived her twins miraculously from old fashioned intercourse after three years of TTC on her own.  That is BS.  Just the way People Magazine spun those babies’ delivery, with quotes from the doctor about how much the babies’ look like Marc Anthony as they were being pulled from Jennifer’s uterus during a C-Section, raised my eyebrows.  It was like they were setting the stage for people to expect the babies NOT to look like Jennifer.  It struck me as such an odd comment.  Three years of TTC, then pregnant with twins who look amazingly like their father but are never compared to their mother’s absolutely gorgeous face: Who wants to bet she used an egg donor???  Or at the very least went through IVF?  Again, I have no personal knowledge, these are just my suspicions.  But this wonderful singer and actress who is a phenomenal role model, well doesn’t she owe women in their twenties and thirties some honesty?  That waiting to get pregnant makes it harder to get pregnant.  That maybe she needed help beyond that provided by something divine (and you know I believe in the Divine).

Let’s consider the statistics.  I deal with them every day with my clients.  I face them when I consider having more children in my mid-forties.  It is statistically, if not virtually impossible to conceive twins (even using IVF) at or above the age of 44 using your own gametes (eggs).  It is extraordinarily hard (although possible) to conceive twins using your own eggs at age 40.  You would likely need IVF to do have twins at age 40.  I’m not saying it’s not possible to conceive twins at age 40 the old-fashioned way; it’s just not really something that happens very often.  Certainly not as often as it seems to happen when you live in Hollywood.  And it is very hard when you’re even say Jennifer Aniston’s age, she’s 38 or 39 right? (and btw, Jennifer is my favorite actress in Hollywood and I see many reports in the media that she may be trying to have a baby, I LOVE her and would love to see her become a mother - not to mention the fact that her mother is responsible for me being with my husband today, so I have some additional fondness for her family.  And No, I DO NOT KNOW Jennifer Aniston and I haven’t seen or spoken to her mother since 1988, so nothing in this blog should be construed as validating any tabloid report). 

Statistically, at least some of (if not the majority of) these actresses used some form of ART to get pregnant. So, let’s assume for purposes of this blog that they did conceive, especially those with twins, with the assistance of ART.  Now let’s assume they also were honest about that fact . . . what’s the downside? 

My point is this:  Maybe the knowledge that so many public figures struggle to conceive children and that it is just plain harder to conceive a child after age 35, would HELP someone!  Hollywood seems to be on the “helping others” bandwagon.  Angelina Jolie (okay bad example in a rant on infertility, although she is an adoptive mother) travels to war torn countries to bring attention to them.  Brad Pitt raises awareness and helps Katrina victims.  Who do we have in Hollywood standing up for the fight against infertility and explaining it being honest about it?  It’s a devastating disease.  RESOLVE has a spokesperson who is a former playboy model.  I believe she used a gestational carrier.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t think one person is enough.  Is it enough for just Angelina Jolie to be travelling to Africa, of course not.  The more media attention focused on an issue, the more stars involved, the more awareness is raised.  I was thinking about this issue while listening to a Christmas song, We Are The World (is that the title?).  Half of the world’s most famous recording artists came together to raise money and awareness for AIDS and AIDS victims in Africa.  That song is being played every five minutes on the radio every Holiday Season twenty years after it was recorded.  Why does infertility get such little attention?    

So let’s just say that Hollywood actresses were honest?  What would happen?  Maybe, eventually, people would start paying attention to their reproductive health?  Maybe they wouldn’t wait as long to have children? (I am not advocating rushing to have children before you’re ready, I just don’t think enough people understand that it really and truly gets harder the older you get and the first big age landmine is 35).  Or maybe fewer people would feel alone or ashamed.  If Hollywood actresses are ashamed to admit to their infertility then isn’t that sending the message that infertility is something to be ashamed of? 

Let’s assume for a moment that some of these women sought the generous services of an egg donor, as I suspect they did.  I understand that is private information and the intimate details of their personal life.  They may even have an anonymity provision in their agreement with their egg donor (again, assuming they used one).  But don’t they have to rise to some higher moral authority because of their status as celebrities?  How many women are misled everyday because they see these gorgeous women in their forties giving birth to TWINS!  At least Marcia Cross admitted she used IVF (although I do wonder if she really hit the genetic jack pot or whether she used a donor, alas I will never know). 

Please people.  Do a service to the young women in this country who have no clue what it means to WAIT to conceive a baby.  Our ovaries do not join us on the treadmill nor do they benefit from Botox.  Not to mention the fact that everyone in Hollywood can easily afford IVF and egg donors and gestational carriers when the rest of us are worried about our mortgage payments.  Let’s be real. 

I want some honesty out there.  I want someone to come clean.  Alexis Stewart (Martha Stewart’s daughter) is spending millions of dollars trying to raise awareness about what happens when you wait to conceive a baby.  While I don’t agree that egg banking is a medically recommended procedure for every Jane Doe, I agree with her message.  And I think that if women in Hollywood would just be honest, that maybe Alexis wouldn’t have to spend so much money and I wouldn’t be so pissed off everytime I see some 40-something starlet showing off her babies in People Magazine.  I don’t know about you, but I’d like to see a little honesty in those baby announcements in People Magazine. 

to be continued . . . .