Archive for the ‘Thinking Out Loud’ Category

March 8, 2010 | By: Liz | Filed under: Thinking Out Loud

I have decided that the Dixie Chics have the best infertility anthem ever; the song “So hard”.  Actually that entire album is great when you are down on your child bearing capabilities or waiting for a baby.  I was listening to it this morning at the dog park and I was thinking about the comments Celine Dion got on her story in People Mag, and on an unsolicited series of communications I received from a partner at a law firm I used to work for.  He linked to me in Linked In and proceeded to accuse me of committing all sorts of sins by helping people have babies through IVF and even domestic adoption.   Much as one reader criticized Celine Dion for not adopting internationally, this man accused of me “moral relativism” (whatever that is) and said that IVF was conceited.  Yeah, well, to each his own I guess.  Quite frankly, to all those people on high horses thinking they have done something god like because they rescued a child from an orphanage somewhere like Russia, I ask what about all the children in foster care in this country?  I think The Blind Side (the movie Sandra Bullock won her oscar for last night) is an incredibly eye opening story about what Americans are not seeing in their own country, and how children are suffering here.  And Precious.  OMG.

I mean really, you want to accuse me of moral relativism for going through 7 IVF cycles, 10 miscarriages, and three domestic adoptions (only two of which resulted in permanent placements, and my gorgeous beautiful babies), fine so be it, but don’t give me some holier than thou BS, you want to do good and say you are superior to me, adopt an older child from the foster care system, someone who has been abused or abandoned.  Sandra Bullock thanked all those very wise and strong people who have loved a child that was otherwise left without hope.  Indeed two of the Best Picture nominees, The Blind Side and Precious, would be movies I suggest the people who criticized Celine Dion and the gentleman who accused me of having poor morals, watch and think about.

Do you really think that any single one of us has the right to judge the other?  Especially when it comes to something so intimate like family building.  I don’t believe it’s conceited to want to feel a baby grow inside me.  I don’t believe it’s conceited to want to adopt a newborn, nor do I think the vast majority of birth mothers in the US are “coerced” (as that gentleman alleged) by other people into placing their child for adoption.  They may be economically coerced, they may be coerced by the life they are stuck in, but any birth mother that can make the self sacrificing choice to place her child with another family to give that child a better life (whether in this country or another) is someone truly worthy of being called a hero.  And the international adoption community was until recently (and may still be) rife with black market baby stealing, and ethical issues that the Hague was designed to prevent.  No system of child bearing, family building, whatever you want to call it is better than another.  None of us are morally superior to the other.  None of us.  We all have to walk our own path.

And as the Dixie Chics understand very well, for most of us infertile people, that path is So hard.

So do me a favor.  Lay off Celine Dion for trying to have another baby through IVF.  Lay off me for trying to help people have children however they choose to do so.  My goal is to build families and to return the gifts that have been given to me by Dr. Chung (a gift to his patients and reproductive science), all the amazing people at Cornell (M. and L., Dr. Rosenwaks and Dr. Spandorfer), my husband, my children’s birth parents, just to name a few of the people who have blessed me.

And know this, my office, my practice, my agency, are and will always hopefully be a safe haven for my clients.  I promise never to judge you.  I promise to help you achieve your dreams (even if that means working with another agency, lawyer, whatever) . . . I am paying my blessings forward (as another great movie would say).  Moral relativism or not.

And what the hell is moral relativism anyway?

Tags: actresses, adoption, Birth Family, Domestic Adoption Planning, hollywood, infertility, Inspiration, movies

February 22, 2010 | By: Liz | Filed under: Thinking Out Loud

I have to admit that the last six months of my life have been profoundly challenging. The economy hit my family hard, Danielle (my right arm in the office) went on a leave of absence, all my interns left after taking the bar exam, a new friend and colleague was diagnosed with cancer, my mother has been very ill just at a time when we have become adult friends, my husband’s latest contract ended and we were once again worried about mortgage payments, my mother-in-law passed away suddenly, my back was really, really bad, and I was the victim of credit card or banking fraud . . . and out of all of this I lost my mojo.  I just couldn’t find a reason to write, a reason to work, all of my inspiration to go into the office was gone.  I woke up every morning feeling like I was climbing an enormous mountain just to get through the day.  It wasn’t depression.  I kind of just gave up.  All I wanted to do was knit.

Here I was on the brink of starting an egg donation agency (which has been my dream for years), and my law practice was surviving through an economic depression.  And I didn’t care.  I cared about my kids, my husband, my knitting . . . but work, my career . . . gone.  I even kind of gave up on having another baby.  And that you must know is a bad, bad sign.

I usually spend every morning meditating, reading spiritual books, or knitting (a form of meditation for me).  That time was instead spent staring out the window wondering what to do with my life.  Or more accurately, questioning what am I doing with my life?

One day recently, I did an exercise in one of my books.  The book was on the law of attraction and I do believe that our thoughts create our reality to an extent (I do not believe our thoughts give us cancer or infertility).  This exercise was about focusing on what I needed to do in the moment (in order to help me get something accomplished during my day).  In one column I listed the two or three things I really needed or wanted to accomplish that day, in the other column I wrote down everything I wanted someone else to help me with (if anyone reading is interested, I’ll give you more information on the book and the exercise at the end of this post).  I did this exercise for a few days because I felt it was very effective at helping me focus my energy every day.  But much to my surprise, the stuff in the other column — the stuff that I was asking “someone else” to help me with — started to get done.  The first mock-ups of the website for the egg donation agency came in when I had asked “someone else” to help me encourage the web designer to finish the site.  I started hearing from people that I had been meaning to call when I had asked “someone else” to help me re-establish contact with them.  I got emails about seminars on subjects that I had asked “someone else” to help me find information about so that I could learn more.  These may seem like really subtle and coincidental, not very meaningful events.  But it wasn’t so much the thing that happened, but the number of things that happened on that list of things I wanted “someone else” to help me with.  I don’t know how or why, but it jazzed me up.  Maybe I felt less alone in the business world (being a small business owner in the middle of an economic depression can suck), maybe I felt like things were just finally falling into place.  I don’t really know how or why but finally my mojo started to percolate, and then simmer.  Now we’re almost at a rolling boil!

So today, I am off to call someone about marketing the egg donation agency.  I hope to find time to work on my eBook on egg donation, I have some client work to do . . . it’s very cool how something as small as making a very focused list and assuming (even if it’s just for purposes of the exercise) that there is someone there who can help you.  Now if someone could just find way to squeeze an extra hour or two into my day!!

In case you’re interested, the book is The Amazing Power of Deliberate Intent by Esther and Jerry Hicks

and the exercise is called Turning it Over to the Manager (Chapter 41).

Tags: eBook, Law of Attraction

February 22, 2010 | By: Liz | Filed under: Current Affairs, Infertility In The Movies etc., Thinking Out Loud

okay well maybe not very much.  She’s tall, lanky and gorgeous and I am petite, voluptuous and on a good day with a ton of make-up and a professional blow-out some might say I am pretty.  LOL!  But seriously folks, I do have a bit in common with the queen of the tear-me-up ballad.  And that is, we both tried to conceive our sons at the same time (okay, so mine took 7 IVF attemps, 5 miscarriages and an adoption and she only need ONE attempt at IVF), and we both want another baby.  Here’s where the comparison gets more real.  She’s now unfortunately and horribly had a bunch of miscarriages (I am currently counting 10 but my therapist says I shouldn’t count . . .  um yeah right!), and is racing the clock to have another baby, and is rapidly approaching the number if IVF cycles I gutted my way through.  Even more in common, can it be?  Yes indeed!  We both sleep with our 7 year old sons in our bed (and don’t even TRY to flame me on this, I believe in the family bed and I WILL take down any posts that disrespect anyone’s style of doing anything on this blog), and we both relish the days we have left with our little boys being small enough and young enough to snuggle with.  Okay, so I am not claiming that I am her evil twin double . . . but I know how she feels and I commend her for going public on the cover of People and I wish her all the success in the world.

And I wish me all the success in the world too.  But that is the subject of another blog.  (would someone please tell me where the emoticons are in WordPress???).

Tags: biological clock, Celine Dion, infertility, IVF, miscarriage

January 30, 2010 | By: Liz | Filed under: Check This Out, Current Affairs, Egg Donation, Thinking Out Loud, Treatment

So I have only read part of this article.  It brought tears to my eyes and as I am mid-struggle with my own quest to have another baby I was too moved to continue reading it.  But I immediately recognized that this is an article to share and discuss.  What I want to discuss is how the news was imparted to the author . . . and what I felt was wrong with it.  Why don’t doctors, even OB/GYN’s and RE’s know how to tell someone they are infertile and why didn’t THIS woman’s doctors know she has many options for having a baby . . . why did she get immediately (and incorrectly) told:

“I’m sorry you can’t have a baby.”

WTF?  Read on:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/31/fashion/31love.html

Tags: New York Times, premature ovarian failure, Turner's Syndrome

September 17, 2009 | By: Danielle | Filed under: Thinking Out Loud

Okay, I have been thinking a lot about Kate’s post about overcoming fear. It is particularly relevant to my own life since my mother-in-law passed away and my life has turned topsy turvy, I don’t know which way is up and I am NOT enjoying the rollercoaster. I am riding it just like I recommended, and I am surrendering to it . . . but I have so much work to do (my eBook on egg donation is nearing completion and while it will be free in the beginning, I am probably going to self-publish it as part of a three book series on family building, and sell it for under ten dollars), the problem is that I do not feel inspired, I do not feel motivated . . . I just long to curl up in bed and knit and watch re-runs of the West Wing.

But then I get trapped because each episode reminds me of some event from my infertility as my BFF and I marked the weeks of each cycle by the episodes, and then my BFF and I would anxiously await the following week’s episode as that would mean we were one week closer to retrieval or whatever. So I watch an episode of the West Wing and it fails to satisfy and it fails to bring back any memories. WTF?

I then realize that I am seriously and unforgivingly stuck but I have no idea why and no idea where. What happened? I resort to coping mechanisms other than the west wing. I clean my desk, I file outdated receipts, I almost completely catch up on client work, I am even blessed enough to get a few new clients. Still Stuck. Maybe I need to focus on the future?

I have a great conference call with my cybermarketing guru and my egg donor recruiter to discuss my plans to open an egg donation division of my office . . . all but one legal document to finish and where I should be celebrating and rejoicing that for ONCE I am on top of the work flow, that we are so close to being ready to launch the agency, instead I feel even more STUCK STUCK STUCK. So.

I listen inward for inspiration.
I read a knitting catalog.
I surf the internet to find out what is new in the world of adoption and infertility treatment (which provides today’s title as it seems quite the opposite of how I feel).
I print out flight schedules for an upcoming ABA meeting on asssited reproductive technologies where I am moderating a panel of experts and for my trip to attend ASRM’s annual meeting.
STILL STUCK.
Rollercoasters do not go flat. They have hairbending, hair raising, vomit inspiring turns.
I wonder if it is my medicine for my back making me feel depressed.
I get into bed to rest my back which is responding to my internal stress and the rainy weather. Maybe less medicine and more rest (so it hurts less?).
I make a to-do list.
I write some of my eBook.
STILL STUCK!
I make plans to update the website for the law practice. I realize I now have to talk about two different websites. Two different aspects of my life where I help people have babies. That’s cool. I smile and say a prayer to than the All-That-Is.
I take a look at the web copy for the new website for the agency.
I print out all the webpages for the storklawyer website so I can update them.
I work more on the eBook.
I do some research on the various ways to publish the eBook.
STILL STUCK!

So I ask myself, what am I stuck in?
This it turns out is a very good question. I list the ways I feel stuck. My body is physically stuck. I seem to be stuck hormonally. I need to go see Dr. Chung because something is just not right in my reproductive system. I have gained 8 lbs in the last month, and it’s all water, NOT oreos. My engagement ring wouldn’t go on today. That has never happened before. I seem to be stuck worrying about moving to another state or part of the country (part of the reinvention plan I mentioned before). Maybe I don’t want to move so much after all. I seem to be stuck wanting another baby (okay ain’t NOTHING new about that one).

It is not a comfortable place to be and I do not feel (even though I just read a fantastic article on dealing with fear) anywhere near competent enough to answer Kate’s questions about dealing with the fears surrounding infertility when I am so unbelievably stuck in whatever it is I am stuck in. The rollercoaster awaits, I am in the NOW, and I yet I feel as if my feet were stuck in cement.

I wish I had the excitement these ladies have in their life, a new baby from Korea, contemplating (perhaps that is overstating Jennifer’s comments to Ellen DeGeneres) doing an IUI with donor sperm.

I go back to my list. I think over the last six weeks of my life. Possibly the most bizarre and challenging and sad months since I was going through infertility treatment (but then I knew what was causing my problems). Is it possible that I am just in unknown territory? My world changed in so many ways this summer. My beloved MIL is gone, Danielle is working somewhere else, I have new staff starting in my office, the kids are back in school, we have a little tiny bit of money in the bank (normally we don’t have very much “extra” thanks to the economy) which will help us pay down some debt . . . life is actually very good in many ways. I miss my best BFF who I fear is no longer my best BFF but then I know relationships go in stages . . . maybe what I am feeling is just new and different and I am desperately trying to find something familiar? What is going on?
Is mercury retrograde or something?
Being Stuck stinks.
And I hate twitter.
sorry to be a downer.
if you have any suggestions or thoughts, I am open to hearing any idea that might move me in a more comfortable direction.

Liz