Archive for the ‘infertility in the media’ Category
If you have ever been infertile, Mother’s Day Can Freakin’ Suck.
May 12, 2019 | By: Liz
If you have ever been infertile, Mother’s Day Can Freakin’ Suck. This is a picture of my mom. She had Stage IV endometriosis (like me), and as a result, only had me. She wanted more babies but she couldn’t have them and she and my father were TTC before IVF or infertility treatment was an option. She died a little over a year ago and for some reason this Mother’s Day has ripped-off what my grief counselor calls the “grief-band-aid” on so many different issues. I miss my mom today in a gut-wrenching, heart-breaking way that maybe I haven’t since she died. Maybe that is because she suffered from infertility too and we had a special bond on Mother’s Day, understanding each other’s pain even though we both became mothers. But today, there is a pain and anger in me that I haven’t felt in years. If I see one more picture of a pregnant belly in my news feed I will scream. Or read one more comment about the diaper’s women wear after giving birth. Please stop reminding me of what I couldn’t do! My grief counselor tells me that losing both my parents (as an only child) within 5 months is called “complicated grief” but she also said that loss of anyone brings up every other loss I have ever experienced, namely all my many, many miscarriages. That would make it very complicated grief, I guess. I might have reached a point where I was okay not trying to carry a baby in my belly — losing a baby at 5 months when I was in such fear and denial that I couldn’t even acknowledge I was pregnant — helped me move past the ever-present yearning to feel a baby kick inside me. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t still hurt as a woman that I couldn’t carry a baby. I have two beautiful children and should be able to celebrate today. But I can’t. I don’t have the one person who understood better than any other how conflicting Mother’s Day can be, in which to share the day, happiness and sadness tied together in a giant ball of conflicting emotions. My family seems to have forgotten that I needed support today — that I will always need support on Mother’s Day. I don’t blame my kids for not getting me a card or doing something special for me. They are too young to understand how complicated this day is for a formerly infertile mom (who just lost her mom), and God-willing they will never understand the infertility piece. My DH asked what was bothering me and I explained my headspace and then I told him I shouldn’t have to ask for cards or flowers or CHOCOLATE. Just because our kids are teens doesn’t mean the pain of infertility is any less. Apparently today, it is quite more, and this is one of the hardest Mother’s Days I have experienced. I cannot control the internet, all the pictures of newborn babies (Archie’s feet, Amy and Gene), and pregnant bellies. I can only control my response. Which will be to stay off my phone, tablet and away from my computer. My infertility grief-band-aid was ripped off today and it freakin’ sucks. It doesn’t matter how your infertility resolves. There always is a little piece of it in your heart. My mom not being here today makes it harder to push the feelings aside, but no matter how much counseling we get, no matter how many babies we do or don’t ever have, Mother’s Day can be brutal. Now where the Eff is the Chocolate in this house?
Filed under: adoption, child free living, Faith and Infertility, I'm Just Another Angry Infertile Woman, In the News, Infertility Awareness, infertility in the media, Infertility on Television, Miscarriage, Peace to Parenthood, Personal Musings, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss, Stillbirth, The Infertility Survival Handbook, The Journey to Parenthood, Thinking Out Loud
Tags: Mother's Day, Mother's Day and Infertility
The Top Ten Things Reproductive Lawyers Can Help You With – Part 2
February 23, 2016 | By: Liz
So in Part 1 we discussed some of the agreements you might need to enter into when building your family through third-party assisted reproduction and how my colleagues and I can help you with them. Now let’s take a look at some of the more obscure but equally important issues that might come up.
back to our top ten list:
(6) Using cryopreserved embryos in the event of a divorce or after a death. Do you know whether you can use frozen embryos after a divorce or separation? Did you know that this is one of the hottest legal issues in third-party assisted reproduction law (Hello Sofia!). What if you want to conceive a child using frozen embryos after your partner dies? Will you be a legal parent? Will your child be entitled to inherit from your partner’s estate, or your partner’s social security benefits? These are some of the most complicated and cutting-edge issues in reproductive law and you don’t have to be Sofia Vergara to regret not having had a thorough discussion with an attorney before you make decisions (or have a pre-conception embryo disposition agreement prepared or even just check off a box on a clinic consent form) that has the power to change your life plans. And heck, just look at Sherri Shepherd and her battle not to have child support obligations. That case just turns my stomach.
(7) Managing money in a surrogacy arrangement: You may be spending over $100,000 in connection with your surrogacy or receiving tens of thousands of dollars in compensation as a surrogate. Do you know where the money is being held? Do you know how and when it is being paid and what documentation, if any is being provided to support the payment? What happens if your agency goes under and the escrow account was held by the agency? Are independent escrow managers necessary and when should you retain one? Do the state laws which govern your surrogacy arrangement provide special rules for how and where money must be held? How do you know if your money is safe?
(8) Doing a home insemination: It may be a more affordable way to conceive your child (and more intimate as compared to the stirrups in your doc’s office), but will you have a legally recognized family if you do a home insemination? Did you know that in some states a doctor must perform the insemination in order to terminate the sperm donor’s parental rights and ensure that the intended parents are deemed legal parents?
(9) Getting your birth certificate: How and when can you get a birth certificate with the intended parents'(s) name(s) on them? Can you get them before the baby is born or only after birth? Do you need to do a second or step-parent adoption? Is the law in the State in which your baby will be born uniform throughout the State or does it vary County by County or even Judge by Judge? Do you know what you need to do, where you need to do it and when you need to do it in order to obtain a birth certificate for your child with your name on it? One of my colleagues has a fairly famous quote from an interview he gave about the fact that the ease with which he can or cannot obtain parentage orders sometimes comes down to the button he pushes in the elevator in the courthouse. Are you walking into a courthouse like that? Do you have any alternative?
(10) Understanding the impact of changing laws: Third-party assisted reproduction is a new and emerging area of the law. Some states have statutes governing egg and sperm donation, and surrogacy, others have only case law (or judge made) law. Some states have statutes or laws which are unfavorable and others have laws which are favorable to different types of third-party assisted reproduction. Some states have outdated laws that may change in the near future. Other states have laws which may be unconstitutional given recent decisions from the United States Supreme Court, but the state may not yet be complying with or adhering to new and evolving constitutional principles. When and how will these evolving laws impact your family building and the recognition of your family, as a family? And as long as we are discussing the status of various state laws, doctors (as much as we love and need them in this process) don’t always fully understand the laws, especially the nuances with which my colleagues and I have become familiar. Just as I would never try and tell my clients what their latest blood test results mean, and my clients should not listen to me with great seriousness when I put on my honorary lab coat, they shouldn’t listen to their doctor’s advice about what they can and cannot do to build their family. Sure, get her opinions on what options you have, but check with someone who actually practices reproductive law before you cross a type of third-party assisted reproduction off your list because your doctor tells you that option isn’t available it to you.
My colleagues and I can help you answer most, if not all of these questions. We can help you make smart (or smarter) choices as you begin the often complicated process of building your family using donor gametes like egg, sperm, or embryos, or with the help of a gestational surrogate. We can protect you in almost all of the scenarios and situations discussed in this top ten list. Reproductive lawyers are here to help you become a parent and help make sure that your legal parent-child relationship and family are recognized by the government and other people who might try to challenge your status as a mom or dad. It’s that simple. And it’s that important.
Filed under: anonymous sperm donation, Birth Certificates, Birth Orders, Current Affairs, Egg Donation, Embryo Disposition, Embryos, Family Building Law, Frozen Embryos, fund management in third-party assisted reproduction, Gestational Carrier Arrangements, infertility in the media, known sperm donation, Parentage Orders, Pre-Birth Orders, Reproductive Law, Reproductive Lawyers, Same Sex Parenting and Reproductive Law, Surrogacy, surrogacy escrow management, Third-Party Assisted Reproduction
Tags: birth orders, Egg Donation, Finances, gestational carrier, sperm donation, Surrogacy
The Top Ten Things Reproductive Lawyers Can Help You With
February 10, 2016 | By: Liz
Sometimes when I tell people what I do for a living they look at me like I have two heads.
Reproductive Lawyer? What’s that???
In this day and age when celebs like Sofia Vergara and her Ex are all over the news fighting over which one of them is going to get to use their frozen embryos, I am really surprised that so many people have no idea what it is that reproductive lawyers do. Or more to the point, why reproductive lawyers are not only helpful, but often play a critical and essential role for individuals and couples building their family through third-party assisted reproductive arrangements like surrogacy, egg, sperm, and embryo donation.
So what is it that we do for our clients? How is it that we play such an important but poorly understood role in the formation of our modern families? Here, in no particular order, is an overview of the top ten things reproductive lawyers can help you with as you begin to build your family through third-party assisted reproduction. Now these may not be humor-worthy of top ten list legend David Letterman, but for anyone going through third-party assisted reproduction or considering it, this is an important list:
(1) Reviewing your agreement with your surrogacy or egg donation agency (sometimes called a service agreement): If things go south with your relationship with the agency this is the document that is going to be your agency’s safety net and the document you will look to in order to seek a refund of all or some of the money you paid. Shouldn’t you know your rights and the agency’s obligations and responsibilities before you sign an agreement and work with the agency?
(2) Reviewing your surrogates insurance policy: What if it doesn’t cover a surrogacy pregnancy? What options do you have to avoid a potentially catastrophic financial liability?
(3) Preparing contracts for you: Egg, sperm, and embryo donation agreements (anonymous or known), and gestational surrogacy agreements are all critical documents in protecting your family in the future and protecting you and your donor/surrogate during the IVF process and/or pregnancy. Understanding the role this agreement plays in third-party assisted reproduction and the necessity for having them drafted is far too often overlooked. How do you make sure your sperm donor is really a donor and not something more (like a parent)? When does your egg donor relinquish parental rights? What happens if she changes her mind about donating? How and when can you use any leftover frozen eggs or preembryos? What happens if you and your surrogate disagree over something really important like selectively reducing the pregnancy?
(4) Using boilerplate contracts with your agency, or contracts you find on the internet: Do they really protect you and what issues might arise if you use one? Did you know that you are probably violating copyright laws by using one? Did you know you cannot be forced or compelled to use an agreement provided by an agency and that you have the right to use an independent lawyer?
(5) Entering into a known sperm donation agreement (with a friend or a Starbucks Sperm Donor): What do you need to know about these sometimes very dicey situations? What makes them so risky and how can you avoid those risks? What can you do to protect yourself whether you are the intended parent or the sperm donor? How can you protect yourself from a known sperm donor asserting parental rights or an intended parent trying to impose parental rights, custody or child support obligations? Does a sperm donor need to be worried about the State asserting a claim that he has child support obligations? Good intentions aside, everyone thinking about this form of family building is (in my humble opinion — IMHO) a fool for not consulting with an attorney before entering into this type of family building arrangement.
These are just a few of the important ways reproductive lawyers can help you through the obstacle course of third-party assisted reproduction. We want to help you make smart future-thinking decisions and ensure that everyone has their rights protected as they intend them to be and as they move forward through this process.
Up Next in Part 2 We Explore:
(6) Planning for Divorce or Death.
(7) Managing money in a surrogacy arrangement.
(8) Doing a home insemination:
(9) Getting your birth certificate:
(10) Understanding the impact of changing reproductive laws:
Filed under: anonymous sperm donation, Birth Certificates, Birth Orders, Current Affairs, Egg Donation, Embryo Disposition, Embryos, Family Building Law, Frozen Embryos, Gestational Carrier, Gestational Carrier Arrangements, In the News, infertility in the media, Infertility on Television, Insurance for Infertility, IVF, known sperm donation, New York Reproductive Law, Parentage Orders, Personal Musings, Pre-Birth Orders, Reproductive Law, Reproductive Lawyers, Same Sex Parenting and Reproductive Law, Surrogacy, Surrogacy in New York, The Journey to Parenthood, Thinking Out Loud, Third-Party Assisted Reproduction, Uncategorized, Uncompensated Surrogacy
Tags: birth certificates, birth orders, Egg Donation, embryo donation, infertility laws, parentage orders, sperm donation, Surrogacy