Archive for the ‘Thinking Out Loud’ Category

Jennifer Aniston might do a donor IUI, Katherine Heigl (sp?) adopts and I am STUCK.

September 17, 2009 | By: Elizabeth

Okay, I have been thinking a lot about Kate’s post about overcoming fear. It is particularly relevant to my own life since my mother-in-law passed away and my life has turned topsy turvy, I don’t know which way is up and I am NOT enjoying the rollercoaster. I am riding it just like I recommended, and I am surrendering to it . . . but I have so much work to do (my eBook on egg donation is nearing completion and while it will be free in the beginning, I am probably going to self-publish it as part of a three book series on family building, and sell it for under ten dollars), the problem is that I do not feel inspired, I do not feel motivated . . . I just long to curl up in bed and knit and watch re-runs of the West Wing.

But then I get trapped because each episode reminds me of some event from my infertility as my BFF and I marked the weeks of each cycle by the episodes, and then my BFF and I would anxiously await the following week’s episode as that would mean we were one week closer to retrieval or whatever. So I watch an episode of the West Wing and it fails to satisfy and it fails to bring back any memories. WTF?

I then realize that I am seriously and unforgivingly stuck but I have no idea why and no idea where. What happened? I resort to coping mechanisms other than the west wing. I clean my desk, I file outdated receipts, I almost completely catch up on client work, I am even blessed enough to get a few new clients. Still Stuck. Maybe I need to focus on the future?

I have a great conference call with my cybermarketing guru and my egg donor recruiter to discuss my plans to open an egg donation division of my office . . . all but one legal document to finish and where I should be celebrating and rejoicing that for ONCE I am on top of the work flow, that we are so close to being ready to launch the agency, instead I feel even more STUCK STUCK STUCK. So.

I listen inward for inspiration.
I read a knitting catalog.
I surf the internet to find out what is new in the world of adoption and infertility treatment (which provides today’s title as it seems quite the opposite of how I feel).
I print out flight schedules for an upcoming ABA meeting on asssited reproductive technologies where I am moderating a panel of experts and for my trip to attend ASRM’s annual meeting.
STILL STUCK.
Rollercoasters do not go flat. They have hairbending, hair raising, vomit inspiring turns.
I wonder if it is my medicine for my back making me feel depressed.
I get into bed to rest my back which is responding to my internal stress and the rainy weather. Maybe less medicine and more rest (so it hurts less?).
I make a to-do list.
I write some of my eBook.
STILL STUCK!
I make plans to update the website for the law practice. I realize I now have to talk about two different websites. Two different aspects of my life where I help people have babies. That’s cool. I smile and say a prayer to than the All-That-Is.
I take a look at the web copy for the new website for the agency.
I print out all the webpages for the storklawyer website so I can update them.
I work more on the eBook.
I do some research on the various ways to publish the eBook.
STILL STUCK!

So I ask myself, what am I stuck in?
This it turns out is a very good question. I list the ways I feel stuck. My body is physically stuck. I seem to be stuck hormonally. I need to go see Dr. Chung because something is just not right in my reproductive system. I have gained 8 lbs in the last month, and it’s all water, NOT oreos. My engagement ring wouldn’t go on today. That has never happened before. I seem to be stuck worrying about moving to another state or part of the country (part of the reinvention plan I mentioned before). Maybe I don’t want to move so much after all. I seem to be stuck wanting another baby (okay ain’t NOTHING new about that one).

It is not a comfortable place to be and I do not feel (even though I just read a fantastic article on dealing with fear) anywhere near competent enough to answer Kate’s questions about dealing with the fears surrounding infertility when I am so unbelievably stuck in whatever it is I am stuck in. The rollercoaster awaits, I am in the NOW, and I yet I feel as if my feet were stuck in cement.

I wish I had the excitement these ladies have in their life, a new baby from Korea, contemplating (perhaps that is overstating Jennifer’s comments to Ellen DeGeneres) doing an IUI with donor sperm.

I go back to my list. I think over the last six weeks of my life. Possibly the most bizarre and challenging and sad months since I was going through infertility treatment (but then I knew what was causing my problems). Is it possible that I am just in unknown territory? My world changed in so many ways this summer. My beloved MIL is gone, Danielle is working somewhere else, I have new staff starting in my office, the kids are back in school, we have a little tiny bit of money in the bank (normally we don’t have very much “extra” thanks to the economy) which will help us pay down some debt . . . life is actually very good in many ways. I miss my best BFF who I fear is no longer my best BFF but then I know relationships go in stages . . . maybe what I am feeling is just new and different and I am desperately trying to find something familiar? What is going on?
Is mercury retrograde or something?
Being Stuck stinks.
And I hate twitter.
sorry to be a downer.
if you have any suggestions or thoughts, I am open to hearing any idea that might move me in a more comfortable direction.

Liz

Filed under: Thinking Out Loud

Why is Farrah Fawcett’s death today relevant to infertility and family building?

June 25, 2009 | By: Elizabeth

Farrah Fawcett’s death today is beyond sad and traggic. The world has lost a vibrant and talented woman who influenced a generation of women and men. From her pro-feminist roles as one of Charlie’s kick-butt Angels to her performance in the Burning Bed, all combined with her bombshell good looks, she served to inspire and enlighten many people around the world for decades.

What does she have to do with infertility? We’ve been talking a lot about visualization and the power of intention on this blog. It got me through my own journey to parenthood and is helping me now during a difficult time in my personal life. I’ve blogged about how I believe that visualizing positive things — like being a parent — instead of focusing on the things that make us profoundly sad and angry — like the fact that we aren’t parents today — brings us to the happy moment when we’re holding our baby or child sooner than we would be if we didn’t use visualization and intent as part of our treatment plan. Farrah was a big believer in the power of visualization and I believe she used visualization as part of her overall approach to treating cancer. Now some of you skeptics are already pointing a finger at me saying that clearly it didn’t work because she died. I disagree.

Farrah Fawcett had an invasive and deadly form of cancer. Most doctors gave her very little time to live. But she defied each and every one of them. News reports weeks ago reported her death — when she was still alive. Her intent to stay alive as long as possible and to live each day to the fullest must have had some impact because she didn’t pass away as quickly as her physicians predicted. She lived far longer than anyone believed was possible! Something she did carried her, kept her strong, and kept her going long after most people had given up hope.

Everyone dies at some point. My point is that here is an example of a woman who used her intent to stay alive to STAY ALIVE. She visualized herself alive and she didn’t die. I suspect she was much more in control of when she did die than any of us will ever understand.

As we mourn the loss of this tremendous woman, take inspiration from her. Visualizing your success and having the intent to become a parent will serve to bring you to the end of this journey faster than if you continue to focus and stay stuck remembering those “no heartbeat on the ultrasound days.”

My thoughts and prayers are with Ms. Fawcett’s family and friends. I will continue to be inspired by this incredible woman, and I will spend more time today believing in what other’s may say is impossible.

Your homework assignment is coming, I promise. 🙂

Filed under: The Journey to Parenthood, Thinking Out Loud

Tags: intent, success, visualization

How did a homework assignment change my life?

June 11, 2009 | By: Elizabeth

Having faith that good things really do happen has been a really big part of my life recently. I know I recently blogged about having faith. Times are hard and it’s hard to believe it can be different. Like everyone else affected by the economy, my husband and I have had a difficult (to say the least) year. On top of employment issues we had major issues with child care which prevented me from working as much as I would have liked (and needed to) earlier this year, I missed a major conference that I wanted to attend, my kids were in a car accident, and we had flu after flu after flu. It got to the point where I sometimes wondered how I was going to get through the day. Everything seemed so overwhelming. I longed to work because building families is truly my bliss and we were doing some fun things (I was in the process of doing something for a client that had never been succesfully attempted before in New York State and I was so close to actually getting it done . . . until a certain set of twins decided to make their preview two months early thereby stopping all the legal mumbo jumbo. But hey the babies were the point of the process, it was definitely not about me being the first to do something, so we did win!! It may sound silly or schmaltzy, but to me it is always a win when my clients become parents!). Even so there were too many days where the best I could do was return emails from my Black Berry.

As a New Year’s present to myself, I had hired a business/life coach and one of the things I talked to her about was feeling like the world was against us and how much it felt like it did when we were going through infertility. How was I supposed to finish my E-Book, I asked her, when I couldn’t even get an hour alone to write? She asked me about how I had gotten through my infertility. We spent an entire session talking about having faith and vision to see your dreams come true. If I was able to have that faith and vision that I would one day be a mother, she said, and now I am a mother (after 6 IUI cycles, 7 IVF cycles, 9 miscarriages, and three failed adoptions including one baby who went back to his birth mother after placement), then she said all my husband and I needed was a little faith and vision to get us through this tough time. Easier said than done I suspected. And I was beyond skeptical. I also was wrong! Completely and utterly wrong.

My homework for that week was to write out my vision for my law practice and my career (my homework for this week was to write out my vision for my life!!). It was an inspiring excerise. The following week, I had to fill in all the details and provide as vivid a narrative of my law practice and my career path as I could (I had to get as specific as writing down what pictures were on my desk and what my office looked like!!). Although I suspect he was just humoring me, my husband did the same thing and re-wrote his resume to include the title of his ideal job and a description of that job. And we’ve been thinking, talking, and reading about our vision every week. My coach also encouraged me to follow my inspiration. I carry around a notebook and jot things down about my vision, or ideas I have for work or my career in that notebook. If an idea comes up for my E-Book but I can’t write at the moment, I jot the idea down in the notebook.

Yesterday my husband got a job offer and the title of the position is word-for-word the job title on his new resume. Yes, the resume he redrafted after I suggested he write his “perfect job” in the Objectives section of his resume after I did that homework assignment with my coach. The job description is virtually the same as what is on his resume too! At first my mind was blown, but now it makes perfect sense.

I have realized as a result of the recent challenges we have faced as a family how much my faith and vision got me through my infertility and how much of a difference they are making and will continue to make in my life now. When we were going through treatment and our adoption, I knew in my heart that one day I was going to be a mom and I didn’t ever let go of that belief. Even on the really awful days (the no heartbeat on the ultrasound days), I focused on what I knew in my heart. I knew that I wouldn’t ever give up until I became a mom. I didn’t have the skills back then to create a vision of my family but I did knit that baby blanket that my son now sleeps with every night. My daughter has one too.

But this vision thing has really got me thinking and I am now inspired to do so many things. I was talking with a client the other day who is waiting to adopt. She is seriously considering starting a new business helping people make adoptive parent profiles because hers was so amazing and I offhandedly told her she did such a good job that could do it for money. It was that good! This new business idea came out of the fact that she was inspired by the project of making her adoptive parent profile and had a vision of exactly what she wanted it to look like. We talked about how I knitted my son’s blanket and thought about our baby with every stitch; she said she did the same thing about her birth mother as she made the profile. She literally envisioned the birth mother who would be reading her profile, what she looked like, what her situation was etc. Every time she sat down to work on the profile, she thought about a different birth mother. The point is that by making the profile she was mentally “making” herself a birth mother! When we were talking about this, she mentioned that she crochets. Years ago, I bought a crochet pattern for a beautiful baby blanket. I don’t crochet, so I thought maybe I would copy it and translate it into a knitting pattern or that I would have someone special to give the pattern to. As soon as I got off the phone (okay maybe it was a few days later!), I mailed the pattern to this client and put a note in that I thought she should start crocheting the blanket and start “visualizing” her life with their new baby (they are not matched yet), the way she envisioned birth mothers when she was making her profile.

I think that my knitting the blanket for my son opened a space in my heart and told the Universe that I was ready to be a mother. Although my son didn’t come home the day I finished the blanket — we actually got “the call” the day I finished my manuscript for The Infertility Survival Handbook — I know that blanket and my book were critical pieces of me visualizing my life as a mother. The book started my new career, you know the law practice and career that I am now spending time every day visualizing so that I have direction, focus and intent for making more families. But I digress.

What I am trying to say (and I am going to start a new category on this blog about this) is that even on those days where we don’t see a heartbeat on an ultrasound that we still have the power to visualize our families, our babies, our pregnant bellies (or someone else’s pregnant belly if you’re using a surrogate or adopting). We have the power to use visualization to manifest our dreams. We may not feel like we have a lot of faith to make it happen but that doesn’t really matter. It’s stating our intent and describing that intent to the universe that is the important part.

So, how’s it working out for me you might ask? Well . . . My husband got the exact job he listed on his resume (that totally freaks me out). My law practice and my career are moving in incredible new directions and I don’t feel overwhelmed anymore; it is too exciting!! My homework is so much fun. I know that what I write down as my vision is already happening and unfolding. I am finally writing my E-Books and I am thinking about taking the manuscript for another book I was writing and turning it into an E-Book too. My staff is excited. My child care problems are solved (yes another homework assignment to describe my ideal child care provider).

My client is crocheting that blanket and starting a new business. I have another client who started decorating their nursery. Another client started a novel (she’s a writer) about a woman going through infertility that finally has a baby and what it was like after the baby came home. The novel is a thinly disguised novel/autobiography about her life. She is living vicariously (or maybe not so viacriously) through her heroine. She says she doesn’t want to publish it, but it is helping her see the other side of her infertility and to focus on her goal of being a mother instead of her next ultrasound.

In The Infertility Survival Handbook, I wrote about having a care package for the two-week wait to find out if you’re pregnant. In The Ultimate Insider’s Guide to Adoption, I wrote about having a baby shower before your baby comes home (whether from Arkansas or Russia). On this blog, I want to start exploring the power of visualization. It’s so easy to get stuck, trapped, in the treatment in the ultrasounds. We forget at the other end there are bellies and babies and that we’re going to be parents. We forget to focus on our goal. I am not sure how I am going to do it yet (maybe by giving everyone homework assignments), but I want a space on this blog to get you into the space of thinking about your goal, what got you where you are today . . . the desire to have a family. And to remind you that you still have the power to create that family, no matter what that crappy ultrasound may have shown you today.

Filed under: The Journey to Parenthood, Thinking Out Loud, Uncategorized