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A Book on Adoption By Emily Giffin — and i’m too scared to read it!

July 30, 2012 | By:

Everyone who knows me, really knows me, knows I am sucker for all things Emily Giffin (I mean we have sooo much in common . . . you do know I said that tongue in cheek right?  although the similarities in our lives, associate in a big law firm turned author of best selling book . . . although admittedly she’s had slightly better publishing success than I), and that I like Danielle Steel too.  There I have outed myself.  Chic lit and romance novels are my thing.

But Emily Giffin’s new book, Where we Belong, has adoption and reunion of birth mother and adoptee as it it’s theme.  I respect Ms. Giffin tremendously.  She did a fantastic job addressing infertility and child bearing in Baby Proof as noted in a previous blog; and I understand from discussions with colleagues that Ms. Giffin interviewed reproductive lawyers and perhaps other professionals in the world of ART in order to properly address issues of infertility in Baby Proof.  So I’m guessing that she probably did a really good job researching adoption and is nothing but politically correct, sensitive and thoughtful when writing about this very delicate topic.  (If it’s okay by you, I’m just going to call her Emily.  She is after all my soul sister.)  I see on Emily’s FaceBook page that people are asking her if she will do a sequel so it must be good.  But are any of those people who are asking for a sequel part of an adoption triad or an adoption professional????

I have read so many books and articles that are written by people with good intentions but nonetheless totally botch the job when it comes to adoption language and/or addressing the emotions and feelings that come up for people in adoption triads.  I won’t mention the titles here — why bad mouth a book you might enjoy — but I have had to put a couple of them down and just agree to disagree with the author.  Anyone who knows me also knows that once I start a book I HAVE to finish it no matter how bad or boring is the tombe.  I am that anal that I will force myself, yes force myself, to finish something I hate.  Even on a beach on a vacation, I will force myself to gut through the last few pages of a book which I think is really awful.  So I am very careful these days about what I will read.  Knowing that I am committed from start to finish I only can choose books that I feel will truly entertain or enlighten.  And thus, I do my research and read reviews and blogs (and FaceBook pages) to see what people think.  So far, Where We Belong gets amazing reviews.  And yet, I won’t download it to my tablet or buy it  . . . what’s up with that?

I guess I am really afraid that Emily will hurt me or bring up emotions that I would rather not face.  I am after all, an adoptive mother and one who feels very strongly about the use of positive adoption language and who wishes that adoption came without bittersweet feelings or even shall we say, threatening feelings.  I worry about legislation that will open adoption records that currently are sealed and thus create a greater potential for dramas like the one portrayed in Where We Belong to unfold for my friends.  (btw, I “get” both sides of the argument to open adoption records, and while I have my own opinion on this topic I do respect those who don’t share it, so please don’t spam me on this particular topic, I leave this up to legislators and their constituents to figure out whether it’s right or wrong, good or bad).

I also really care about the birth mothers I have represented and knowing what they go through, I can only imagine how they would feel — especially those who wanted a closed adoption or less contact with the adoptive family — if one day the child they placed for adoption knocked on their proverbial door.

And please let’s also be clear, I hate the term “gave up for adoption” . . . this term runs rampant throughout reviews of Emily’s book so I am worried she uses it IN the book.  Please remember that this is a decision someone makes and it is NOT an easy decision for anyone.  Birth mothers have “placed” their child for adoption, a term which hopefully is more respectful of their decision to enter into an adoption, as opposed to “gave up” or “give away” which makes it sound like babies are a commodity and birth mothers don’t care about what happens to their baby.  “Gee, I think I’ll just give this baby away today . . . ”  I think NOT.  I hate this terminology and while I never know what is right or wrong and often worry about what words I use with my own clients and in my family, I really don’t think this one particular term is respectful to birth mothers.

And as I have recently discovered it’s not even politically correct to call my clients who are considering making an adoption plan for their baby, a birth mother.  These women now request or prefer to be called “emoms”.  An emom is a woman who is expecting a baby and is considering placing her baby for adoption.  I would strongly suspect that emoms don’t consider what they are thinking about doing (emphasis here on thinking) to be “giving up” or “giving away” . . .  This is such a highly charged issue with advocates for both terms that I suspect just by talking about this language I am going to get a ton of hate email.

And I have already upset myself thinking about adoption language and whether Emily used it appropriately . . . As a result of my discussion of terminology I have relived allot of what my own family, and our adoption triads, have gone through, as well as some of the adoptions my office has handled . . . I can’t even write a blog about this topic without getting myself upset and disjointed, so how am I going to do reading this book?  And I HAVE to finish it if I start it . . . And yes, I know that’s ridiculous and nutty and if I don’t like a book I should put it down, but that’s just not ME people.  I am nothing if not thorough (and loyal) right through to the end.

F*&^k.  I love Emily’s work and I feel I have a professional obligation to read and review this book.  And yet I am scared sh!tless at the thought of reading it.  But read it I must.  Right? Wrong?

Crap.  What to do . . . stay tuned.

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Resurfacing from all my travels and I have some news!

November 6, 2009 | By:

I have been off the blog travelling to various meetings for reproductive professionals, including ASRM and moderating a panel for the American Bar Association’s A.R.T. Committee addressing insurance issues in gestational carrier arrangements.  I learned tons (for other posts) but came home exhausted and overwhelmed and of course the office was happily insane with new business.  Of course the travelling and stress of long hours, on and off planes, in and out of cars, running through (or trying to walk through) convention centers, and tons of work meant my back went out . . . and I wound up in bed staring at the ceiling last weekend.  But everyone needs a break — just wish mine had been on a beach in some tropical location.  😉

But I have been very productive in my absence with many new things to bring to the blog . . . first and foremost the e-Book on Egg Donation is almost done!!!  Can you believe it!  Kristen, my marketing guru, is gearing up for a big marketing campaign to let the world know that the first in my series of the Nuts and Bolts of A.R.T.:  The Egg Donation e-Book is going to be coming to a computer or store near you very soon!  Now’s the time to get in and get your free copy . . . email us at Info@Storklawyer.com and tell us you want a copy of The Egg Donation e-Book.  We will add you to the mailing list when it’s available so you can download your copy.  It will also be available (not immediately) in kindle format.  I can’t believe we’re finally on the cusp of releasing this book that I have been working on for what feels like forever.  WooHoo!  By the way, it’s written for both intended parents and prospective egg donors.

Also in the news . . . on January 4th, 2010, The Stork Lawyer Connection will officially open for business.  For years I have wanted to start my own egg donation agency but couldn’t reconcile myself to certain issues I have with the existing egg donation agency model.  The Stork Lawyer Connection is a unique agency, with a new way of bringing donors together with intended parents.  Our website is almost done, our staff is together, and we’re so excited.  I am so excited!  Keep an eye out for our press release, and for information on The Stork Lawyer Connection coming to a mailbox, doctor’s office, or computer near you!

Congrats to Ms. Samantha Hill, the newest associate in my law office, who found out yesterday that she passed the New York State Bar Exam!   Sam was an intern in my office during law school and joined us when Danielle took a leave of absence.  Sam, I am very proud of you!  Rumor has it that another former intern passed the bar as well . . . so our congratulations also go out to Ms. Sarah Thomas . . . character and fitness forms are on their way ladies!  CONGRATULATIONS SAM AND SARAH – YOU DID IT – YOU PASSED THE BAR!

There are lots of infertility and adoption events going on right about now.  The RESOLVE of the Bay State Chapter is holding it’s annual conference this weekend.  We send some goodies up for the auction, but anyone reading in the Boston area should head over to the conference (Nov 7th).  We hope to be there in person next year, but this year with the conference coming on the heals of my trip to Montreal to speak at the American Bar Association, and attend the 65th Annual Meeting of ASRM in Atlanta, we just couldn’t do it.  Those goodies we sent are pretty awesome though.  Free consultations on adoption, a free egg donation contract, free signed copies of The Infertility Survival Handbook and The Ultimate Insider’s Guide to Adoption . . . I hope we made up for not being there in person.  Concerned Persons for Adoption is having their annual conference (also the 11/7) in New Jersey at Rutgers University.  I wasn’t able to attend that event either, but we did send handouts on what you need to know about third party assisted reproduction and adoption in NY and NJ and an offer for copy of one of my books.

I will be speaking and have an exhibition table at the annual APC Conference, held this year in Brooklyn, NY at St. Francis College on November 22nd.  I will be speaking on Adoptive Breast Feeding and Marketing and Targeting in Adoption: how, when and where to find a birth family.

We’re also working on changes to the Stork Lawyer website.  All the web site design for The Stork Lawyer Connection has me wanting to freshen up the Stork Lawyer site as well (plus we have to add all our new staff!!).

I am off now to post a general blurby blog and to work on the website for The Stork Lawyer Connection.  Oh yeah, I have homework for my coach too (maybe something to blog about)!  And another sweater to knit for a client . . . TGIF!

Breathe Liz, just breathe!

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