The dog ate my homework.
July 14, 2009 | By: Liz | Filed under: Uncategorized
As some of you wait for me to post a visualization homework assignment I wanted to let you know why I haven’t done it. Well, the dog ate my homework! Okay, it didn’t work in 4th grade (even when the dog had eaten my homework) and it doesn’t work now. But like the rest of the world, I get caught up in life and I got majorly caught up in life these past two weeks. I have a lot going on which I plan to blog about but really, as many of you can understand, I got caught off guard when I realized that AF was 2w4d late.
I don’t think I have ever journeyed through time so fast as I did in the moment I realized that AF was beyond late and that I was in serious denial as to why. So I sat down with old homework assignments and faced the reality of the fact that she might be late for a reason. I sat down with those old homework assignments and dealt with how I felt about it. My life truly stopped in its tracks. Never mind that I had promised Robyn that I would work on my E-Book and have a draft ready for the graphic designer. Never mind that I had promised Robyn I would do my homework assignment for this week. Never mind the clients. Never mind the bills. NEVER MIND. AF WAS LATE. OMG. OMG. OMG.
I reverted to the days of toilet paper burn
I reverted to the days of wearing white pants daring her to show up
I reverted to emailing and texting my best friend every five minutes obsessing over when she might show
And then, one evening she appeared. 3 weeks late and not a moment too soon. By that time I was having a nervous breakdown and was desperately behind on the laundry (what did the laundry matter, I was only wearing white jeans — who cares if the kids have clean clothes — AF was late!!) and returning client calls (you guys understand, that much I know).
How do I feel about all this? Those trusty old homework assignments helped. The visualizations helped. But honestly, aside from re-living a part of my life long since buried in my memory banks, visualizations and homework assignments aside, I am sad. I am sad about the promise that her disappearing act presented and the possibility that perhaps my dreams were being fulfilled. I am also relieved, because as much as I wanted what her absence meant, I also wasn’t ready for it. My family isn’t ready for it. My checkbook isn’t ready for it. As sad and depressed as I have been, I knew that she needed to be here now. I knew that her arrival was right and perfect. Was she late for a reason? Of course she was. But it wasn’t because I was PG (or maybe I was). It was perfect in the lessons I learned from it and the fact that I came face to face with long buried demons. I can now release those demons. For the first time ever in my life, thanks to my homework assignments and all those visualizations, sad or not for what I went through the past few weeks I now know in my heart, with a belief so strong that no demon, no memory, no homework assignment can shake it; I am a fertile woman. Thank you AF for being late because now I have a faith and belief in my body for the first time.
So when my family is ready, when my checkbook is ready, when the E-Book is done and when my next big adventure into the land of family building (which I am about to announce so stay tuned) is ready, I will hold my head high and walk through the doors of my fertility clinic ready to pick an egg donor and ready to show the world that I am finally, fearlessly, able to produce and bear life. I may be too old to use my own eggs but the rest of me works just fine. Finally. Healed.
So, I hope Robyn will forgive me for being a little late with my homework, and I hope tomorrow to spend some time on the E-Book and on my big adventure. And I hope you don’t mind the late emails. I had some demons to slay and some visualizations to attend to. AF was late, and I know the next time she’s late . . . it will be for real and it will stick . . . 🙂