Author Archive

Brooke Shields what r u thinking?

October 7, 2008 | By: Elizabeth

Okay, I am huge fan of Brooke Shields.  Never mind the fact that she’s gorgeous or that I knew her as a tween in NYC, never mind the fact that she’s one of the few celebrities that was honest about her infertility.  I am a huge fan of a hugely talented, beautiful, working mother of two children conceived after a very long battle with infertility.  But this new advertising campaign she has going for VW is pissing me off. 

Having babies just to get German engineering?  Having Babies so you can buy a Minivan.  PULEASE.

Now let me clarify that today I pointed to my own minivan and proudly declared it my badge of motherhood.  I drive a minivan because I worked damn hard to become a mother.  And if I have my way, all of those 8 seats in my minivan will be filled with children or paraphanalia related to children.  My Minivan is My Status Symbol that I am a MOM.  So don’t mess with me when it comes to minivans.  I think they are way cool (and it does have 260 hp, put that up against most cars and see who’s got the ova?). 

Which brings me back to Brooke Shields person promoting VW’s new minivan. How insensitive can she be to her own people?  Really, like I am going to go out and have another baby to buy a VW minivan (which looks amazingly like my Honda Odyssey)?  Like I can JUST GO OUT AND GET PREGNANT FOR ANY OL’ REASON?  LIKE I HAVE A CHOICE OF WHEN AND HOW I MIGHT PROCREATE?

And more to the point, like I am going to be able to afford a new car anytime soon if I do undergo tens of thousands of dollars of assisted reproductive technologies or adoption expenses to have another child?  I guess Brooke never had to consider how expensive her IVF cost?  Maybe I should change the title of my book that even millionaires think this stuff is expensive.  Apparently the Shields family is rolling in it and doesn’t realize that in this economy, most of us are worried about our mortgage payments and the next IVF bill and not so much concerned about driving a fancy new minivan. I know I’ll be driving that Honda for a very long time  . . . and I’ll bet Brooke that my Honda outlasts her VW. 

But more to the point, I am tired, so tired of the hypocricy in Hollywood.  For once, I had a celebrity that I adored from childhood, that I had a personal connection to on so many different levels.  And I hate, loathe and despise the fact that she put her name on an ad that is so hurtful to millions of Americans trying to conceive or adopt everyday.  She sold out.  on us.  on me. 

And shame on VW.  I hope that the the millions of Americans struggling to have a baby boycott a company that equates baby-making with going on a little shopping spree.  My god, the analogy is appalling.

Buy a VW (and I used to own one) . . . never, ever again.  Watch Lipstick Jungle.  Not really sure about that, then again, I live in a cave and don’t get a lot of t.v. time anyway. 

and yeah, I’m back and I’m blogging!  Thanks for your patience.

Filed under: Thinking Out Loud

Choosing an Egg Donor

June 12, 2008 | By: Elizabeth

So, I just took an interesting call from a client. She was very confused about the benefits of using an experienced or “proven” egg donor versus using a first time donor. A proven donor is one who has either been pregnant and/or had a baby herself or gotten recipient parents pregnant (or both!). A first time donor has never cycled before so her egg quality and recruitment is an unknown.

I tried, and Danielle tried, to explain to her that it doesn’t really matter either way. In fact, I just learned at that amazing conference in Charleston that first time, “unproven,” donors have the same success rates as proven donors. Donors are so carefully screened these days for their fertility that approximately 70% of donors will get the recipient parents pregnant; regardless of whether they have cycled before or not with another recipient family.

But, alas my client couldn’t be persuaded. Much to my surprise as most of clients will only work with a proven donor. This woman was terribly afraid that working with an experienced donor meant she had a greater likelihood of having the “bad” cycle happen during her match with this donor, and that she’d get a crappy bunch of eggs. Statistics don’t bear this fear out at all . . . but since she’s just as likely to get pregnant either way (proven or unproven donor); I suppose it doesn’t really matter?

Filed under: Thoughts on Choosing an Egg Donor

Next Steps: Is it Okay to Pursue ART and Adoption?

June 12, 2008 | By: Elizabeth

For those of you who are confused about what your next step is on your frustrating, convoluted and phenomenally expensive journey to parenthood, I’d like to share something with you that an increasing number of our clients are doing. They’re “dual tracking”. That is, while they finish up one final attempt at IVF or IVF-ED, they are simultaneously starting their adoption paperwork. It can take months to get an adoption to the place where you are waiting for an international referral or you are certified and home study ready and can begin to look for a baby. You can be finishing up your IVF stuff while you’re doing all that paperwork (just please make sure to tell your home study social worker that you’re pursuing IVF and what your plan is re: adoption if you get pregnant).

I did it myself when my husband and I were going through infertility and adoption stuff. It gave me the peace of mind of knowing I was going to be a mom no matter what! It totally took the pressure off of my last IVF cycle and when I miscarried with that cycle (and it was the earliest miscarriage of them all, thus reaffirming my decision to pursue an adoption . . . it seemed like a sign from the Universe that we had made the right decision to pursue adoption!), well I didn’t dwell on it as much. I still had a lot of grieving to do but I didn’t have that anxiety about “what if the next cycle doesn’t work?” or “am I ever going to become a mom?” I knew that because we had started a domestic adoption plan and had our paperwork started that I was steps closer to finding a birth family. In fact, I was so relieved that we had started the adoption process and I didn’t have to start something new from scratch!

We were up front with our adoption case workers and we knew that if I got pregnant and carried to the second trimester that we would put our adoption on hold and see whether I delivered a baby. Having that plan, knowing what we would do if I did get pregnant was important for our adoption professionals; and as an adoption professional now it is a question I make sure to ask. I want to know that my clients have thought through the process completely and they aren’t going to bail on a birth mother if they get pregnant. Or at least, I get assurances from them that they will be honest with any birth mother with whom they might be working and let her know they are pregnant and give her the choice about whether she will still work with them toward a successful adoption (and yes, some birth mothers will keep working with you). But then I have to ask my client if they are prepared to parent two children born very closely together? It’s a lot of work!

I know not all adoption professionals agree with me, but as a former infertility patient I think you need to pursue all avenues to parenthood that may be available to you and right for you. As long as you know where your priorities lie, you don’t lie or misrepresent your intentions, and what you will do if you get pregnant while working toward an adoption, who should judge you for trying to move things along as quickly as possible?

Filed under: The Journey to Parenthood