Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
How art imitates and informs our life as prospective parents.
May 26, 2011 | By: Liz
I have periodically blogged about how Hollywood portrays infertility, but I have never really focused on how Hollywood or television portrays parenthood. There are tons of great movies and t.v. shows about parenting, but there isn’t a ton that really addresses the transition people go through when they become parents: The Leap from Infertility to Parenthood. Granted there are fantastic movies like Juno that really capture aspects of adoption, but until now I haven’t really seen a movie or t.v. show that helped me understand (even as Monday Morning QB) what the transition — the Leap — is like. I am always “warning” my clients to be prepared for life with baby, but I previously have not had anything I could tell them to watch which accurately represented or characterized the Leap.
Well that has all changed. Last weekend I was watching a movie with my DH (Dear Husband). He had rented the film and I had agreed to watch it (despite an initial lack of interest) because the main character was played by Katherine Heigl, who is as we know, an adoptive mom. Not only do I love her films in general but I always am willing to watch a movie where the actor is in real life a parent through ART (assisted reproductive technologies) or adoption. And I am especially interested if the film involves parenting or the formation of a family. Putting aside a desire to escape my life and enjoy the movie, I always wonder whether the actor’s personal experiences with infertility, ART or adoption will influence his or her choices as an actor.
To be honest, when DH proposed watching this film I had no idea what it was about. I was inclined to pass as I had a vague recollection that the film had not been a tremendous success at the box office. But when I heard that Katherine Heigl (who ranks #2 behind J.A. as one of my favorite female actresses) was one of the lead actors, I caved. And what a good decision that turned out to be!
The movie in question is “Life as We Know It” starring KH and Josh Duhamel (JD). You can check out a trailer at http://lifeasweknowitmovie.warnerbros.com/dvd/
In this movie KH and JD play the close friends of a couple who pass away, and who name KH/JD as their baby’s legal guardians. Romantic comedy aside, the movie is a fantastic and very realistic portrayal of the Leap, and how the relationship between the parents can change. As I was watching this movie, both my DH and I were struck by how much the movie reminded us of what it was like to suddenly go from being wanna-be parents to BOOM being parents.
I think the movie really resonated for me because I am an adoptive parent who had very little notice of our pending adoption and I had never really focused on what it would be like to be a parent (let’s face it I spent the entire time wanting a baby and never realistically envisioned what it would be like to have the baby and be a mom). Once the movie really gets past the characters’ acceptance that they are now parents, there are some very insightful moments about the reality of being a parent and how different that reality is from your expectations. Whether or not you take a baby care class as part of your adoption plan, I highly recommend this film because I think that it really shows you — and in a humorous, light-hearted manner — what you are in for when someone hands you that baby! From changing that first poopy diaper, to installing baby gates and midnight runs to the pediatrician, I think that Life as We Know It is a great primer for prospective parents through adoption or assisted reproductive technologies like gestational surrogacy.
Most people who have gone through infertility tend to have blinders on about the reality of parenting. Whether you only have 24 hours notice or ten months to prepare for your baby’s arrival, this film has some very poignant moments about what the transition feels like and what surprising issues parenting can present us with. Best of all it’s fun to watch. It is a surprisingly good romantic comedy, Josh Duhamel is total eye candy (and I won’t hold it against my DH that he thinks Katherine is eye candy too), and it’s sweet, has a happy ending and all that stuff. So if you are on your way to parenthood after experiencing medical or social infertility, I think this movie is a Must See.
And not to totally discredit my intelligence, my DS (Dear Son) has turned me on to SpongeBob SqaurePants. I had the unexpected pleasure this week (while cleaning up a child’s puke) of watching an episode of SpongeBob involving a baby scallop and SpongeBob’s experiences as a new parent. This episode of SpongeBob presents a similarly hysterical and informative perspective of what the Leap is like to being a full time SAHM. I can’t remember the title of the episode off the top of my head (I will check the DVR and post the name of the episode if I can find it), but suffice it to say that I could relate to SpongeBob’s adjustment to caring for a baby all day and all night while Patrick (his best friend) goes off to work every day as they simulate and satirize what its like to be new parents.
I totally and completely remember that in the beginning of my “maternity leave” I had a rough time. By Wednesday night when DH walked through the door, I was an exhausted mess. Thursday night, when DH returned from work and walked-in the door, I handed over DS and went upstairs to have a good exhausted-woman-cry-in-the-shower. By Friday night, I was prepared for the hand-off at the door, and upon hand-off I bolted out of the house to have coffee at Starbucks (decaf of course b/c I was breastfeeding).
So what am I getting at? “Life as we know it” as parents is very different from life as we know it while waiting for the Stork. I don’t really care whether or not you are taking baby care classes or infant CPR (although I think both are excellent ideas) because the reality of life as a new parent is vastly different than anything we can ever learn in school. As infertile prospective parents we tend to be so focused on our goal of becoming parents that we lose sight of what we are in for when we are parents. It is a transition the likes of which you just can’t understand until you are living it and why I call it the Leap. Life As we Know It and even (surprisingly) Master SpongeBob, have nailed it on the head and I highly recommend watching them (when I find out the title of that SpongeBob episode, I will post it and maybe you can find it somewhere and watch it). Both are totally and completely worth watching.
p.s. please note that I am not complaining about being a parent. I love every minute of this crazy, full-catastrophe life I am living! I want more kids and my attitude now is much more about enjoying and being mindful of the joy in this experience. I am just saying that these movies can help prepare you for the full-catastrophe aspect of parenting.
p.p.s. If you have any other movies that you think are good to watch as prospective parents, post them here. Maybe we can start a list of “Movies to Watch During the Wait”!!
Filed under: adoption, In the News, Infertility In The Movies etc., Infertility on Television, IVF, Peace to Parenthood, Personal Musings, The Journey to Parenthood, The Two Week Wait Care Package, Thinking Out Loud, Third-Party Assisted Reproduction, visualization
Fear, failure and fertility: should we really continue to stay silent about these emotions?
March 28, 2011 | By: Liz
I am getting over a pretty nasty bought of pneumonia. And as a result, I have had a lot of time to think.
To think about everything that I should be doing in the office but can’t. To think about everything that I need to be writing: my e-book on egg donation is pretty much finished but I haven’t had time to input the final edits or to speak with my design and production team about getting it ready for the marketplace; I have an article on egg donation and surrogacy contracts that is due to the American Bar Association in a matter of days; I have to talk to my publisher about revising The Infertility Survival Handbook; I want to write a blog about a RESOLVE event I co-hosted on March 24th at Bis.Co.Latte Cafe in NYC regarding the legal issues egg and embryo donation; and oh yeah I am supposed to be teaching a class on third-party assisted reproduction at a law school and I have to prepare the syllabus (that one may not happen).
To think about all the contracts that I need to draft and edit for clients.
To think about the new series of blogs I am working on (perhaps it too will become an e-book?) on the mind-body connection in dealing with and resolving infertility. Thanks to a Facebook friend, I discovered a wealth of information on something called “Conscious Conception.” I have a ton of research to do on Conscious Conception, it is a seed germinating in my mind and something I very much want to talk about. Just this morning I was staffing out work in the office and we got into a long conversation about how much I believe faith plays in people’s ability to deal with and overcome fertility.
And yet, all I am capable of on this gorgeous sunny day is to THINK about the overwhelming amount of things that are filling my proverbial plate. I am utterly and completely without the ability to deal with any of it today. For today my goal is to be able to breathe. One of the fundamental things in life which I must attend to if I am going to get back to these things, yes? Yet, instead of recognizing the very important need to take care of my own health, I have been beating myself up for my inability to do my work. I feel like I am drowning, literally and figuratively.
It was only upon stumbling across an issue of the Wellesley Alumnae Magazine and its cover article about “When Life Doesn’t Measure Up” and reading about how, when and why so many of my fellow Wellesley sisters feel like failures, that I realized that I feel like a failure for having pneumonia and not being able to do my work. And with that thought, I was off and running on a journey of self-analysis that of course brought me right back to the world of fertility and the feelings of failure that come with it.
Apparently, my college magazine conducted some kind of a poll asking graduates to discuss their feelings about their satisfaction with their life and feelings of inadequacy, failure, or success in a variety of different contexts. I don’t recall receiving a questionnaire in the mail or an email like this — must have missed out on contributing my own thoughts to this very profound poll. The reasons women gave for feeling like a failure were incredibly diverse. And yet, despite the very diverse reasons or situations my Wellesley sisters gave when describing their own issues with failure, including dealing with chronic illness, the article did not mention infertility or an inability to have children (or the choice not to have children) as raising issues of failure. Certainly, someone among the thousands of Wellesley graduates has experienced difficulties conceiving and must have felt like a failure. I did. I do. Why didn’t someone else talk about it? The Dixie Chicks talk about it in their song “So Hard” . . . a ballad that haunts me every time I hear it. It’s all about the feelings of failure and loss we have when we can’t conceive. One out of every 8 Americans is dealing with infertility. Why didn’t the Wellesley College Alumnae Magazine talk about it? Especially at an all women’s college, you would think that a topic like infertility and failure related to something so integral to being a woman would be recognized and not continue to be shrouded in secrecy. The article talked about the shame my sisters felt about their various failures, the secrecy that surrounded them but infertility was not among them. What gives?
The secrecy and shame surrounding infertility is pervasive. Just as for my sisters who are wrestling with their own failures of a different nature, the article pointed out that all of them felt better by talking openly in the article about failure and its impact on their self-perception.
Indeed, the magazine itself was often a cause for Wellesley alumnae to feel failure. By hearing about the success stories profiled in the magazine many women admitted that they felt that they had let down the school or that they failed to measure up to the “Wellesley standard” of being or becoming another Hillary Clinton. The article concluded with the following statement:
“But maybe what we don’t know is what failures happened to those women before they became household names that eventually brought them to the point of celebration. And until we hear those stories, too, we can’t begin to make new templates for success that acknowledge the inclusion of failure as part of a life well-lived.”
And this leads me to the following conclusions:
Until we hear stories about our feelings of failure and inadequacy arising from our infertility, and our subsequent success at overcoming them, we cannot begin to make those new templates for success that acknowledge how much stronger or sensitive we have become as a result of our infertility.
Until we hear stories about our feelings of failure and inadequacy arising from our infertility, we cannot begin to find faith that our own journey will end in success. We need to be inspired by the success of our sisters (and brothers) who have gone before us and achieved that which we long for — a baby — even if that success means embracing an alternate route to parenthood such as surrogacy, egg or embryo donation, or adoption.
It is, as my Wellesley sisters say, in embracing the loss in which we gain the faith to succeed. I wish there was no stigma to being infertile but I must confess that the lack of mention of infertility in this article really drove home for me the sense of the overwhelming stigma with which we live. I have a serious issue with the Wellesley Alumnae Magazine for not bringing to light a discussion of how failing at something as intrinsic as becoming a mother can be so devastating to our sense of self-esteem, to our marriages, and to our sense of failure as a woman. (I cannot fathom that not one woman responded to that poll and didn’t mention infertility and if that was the case, I am even more troubled by the statement that makes regarding how much we hide about our infertility).
Learning from others who share their own shame or other sense of failure about something with which we are all supposed to be able to do — conceive, carry and give birth to our children — is what will carry us through. For others it is not necessarily biological or medical failure but a sense of frustration at being unable to conceive because we lack the essential components — we are socially infertile. And learning from others who find ways beyond our social infertility will give us ideas and strength for achieving that which our sexual orientation precludes us from obtaining.
And as the wheels started turning and hit overdrive as I considered the article and my own sense of failure because I have pneumonia and am unable to work (and am thus letting down my clients to whom I truly want nothing more than to help have a child), and considered once again the stigma with which we live, I couldn’t stay silent. I pulled out my laptop and curled up in bed to “think through” this article and my situation and put together the pieces of this puzzle. My blog will now not only be devoted to discussing the concepts behind Conscious Conception, but it will be devoted to de-stigmatizing this disease. I know there is a Wellesley sister out there somewhere who is struggling to defeat the NOvary™ or endometriosis, to locate a birth mother, to navigate the increasingly complicated red tape of Ethiopian adoption, or to find a way to establish the fact that she and her partner are both the legal mothers of the child one of them delivered and which they intend to parent together.
So in my failure of having pneumonia, new ideas and inspiration have been born for my blog and thus my day has turned into one of celebration. And I ask you to please not be silent. I took the pledge with RESOLVE not to remain silent and today my failure in being human and having pneumonia has given me an idea of how I can fulfill my pledge to RESOLVE. My blog is a safe place where I hope to support people walking with me on this path, and to provide the occasional nugget of legal or medical information to move us another step forward on the path to parenthood. And thus I ask you to talk about your shame. Talk about your sense of failure. Talk about your frustration, your anger or confusion. (And if you are a Wellesley alumnae, help me convince them to let me write an article about infertility). Share your story here wherever you may be in your journey. And I will try and find people to share with you how they conquered the NOvary, endometriosis, found birth mothers, survived the red tape of Ethiopian adoptions, or proven their joint parentage.
Because I know that if we continue to be silent and give in to this crazy stigma, we will never know what failures happened to those women (and men) among us before they became mothers (and fathers), and that eventually brought them to the point of celebration. And until we hear those stories we can’t begin to make new templates for success that acknowledge the inclusion of infertility as part of a life with children.
And now for some random FAQ’s and reminders:
Yes, you can establish your parentage if you are a same-sex couple and one of you has a baby. Depending on where you live the mechanisms for doing this will vary. In some states you can file a legal action to have your parental rights established, in other states you may need or want to adopt (even if you are not married). In some States and in some circumstances you may need or want to do both.
If you have a functioning uterus, egg donation is perhaps the most successful route to pregnancy for women who have issues with the NOvary™. At many clinics, with a properly screened egg donor, live birth rates per egg donation are in the 60% range. Yes, you read that correctly, you could have a 60% chance of conceiving a baby using an egg donor. And among those that conceive using an egg donor, the rate of twin conceptions is in the 40% range (making a strong case for single embryo transfer).
If you are considering adoption but have financial concerns or are worried about wait times, relinquishment risks, or red tape, embryo donation is a rapidly growing path to parenthood. Using embryos donated from another family who has cryopreserved embryos which they no longer wish to use to build their own family, you may have a 40% chance of conceiving a child. In addition to the affordability of embryo donation and the high success rates, you have the opportunity to carry the child, control the uterine environment, and may have the ability to conceive more than one child (this will depend on the type of embryo donation you enter into, as well as the number and quality of the embryos donated to you).
If you don’t have a functioning uterus, gestational surrogacy is another option for becoming a parent. Using either your own gametes (genetic material), or an embryo created from egg or sperm donation (or sometimes both), another woman can carry a child for you and you will have all legal and parental rights upon that child’s birth. Surrogacy laws vary by State, and it’s far from inexpensive, but when done correctly, surrogacy is a wonderful means of building a family.
And let’s not forget what is now almost considered boring: IVF. If you have a viable uterus, eggs and/or sperm but for other reasons have difficulty conceiving on your own, with the assistance of In Vitro Fertilization, your chances of conceiving get better every day. With the improvement of the culture medium used to nourish embryos, together with advances in reproductive medicine, some families will have as high as a 70% chance of conceiving. Although the vast majority of families using IVF will need more than one attempt before conceiving, this is a technology that should not be ignored.
Other things to consider are:
PGD, (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis). This enables you to select only those embryos that appear chromosomally normal for embryo transfer in an IVF cycle. For older infertility patients, those with a family history of hereditary illness, or those with recurrent pregnancy loss, PGD can increase your chances of conceiving a healthy baby.
ICSI, (Intracytoplasmic sperm injection). This is where doctors inject the sperm into the egg to help facilitate fertilization. For families with male factor infertility this can help side-step problems with sperm that might prevent it from fertilizing an egg.
DNA Fragmentation Assay. This is a test performed on sperm to determine whether the sperm are chromosomally normal. Although there is a large range of “grey area” where it is unclear whether the sperm are going to cause problems with conception or pregnancy loss, this is proving to be a very important aspect in solving cases of recurrent pregnancy loss, IVF failure, or otherwise diagnosing “hidden” infertility issues.
Blood Clotting Disorders and other immune issues. Do you have unexplained pregnancy loss or IVF failure (with an egg donor)? Go get a work-up from a hematologist or other doctor specializing in diagnosing harder to find infertility issues. Sadly many physicians routinely overlook or discredit the influence or impact of blood clotting and/or immune issues on the ability of an embryo to implant in the uterus, or to the ongoing development of a baby.
Are you going to stay silent, or are you going to talk with me here about what you are feeling, what you are trying to do to overcome your infertility, or what you did that helped you overcome it? Speak. If not here, then find somewhere. Please.
Filed under: adoption, Age and Infertility, Deadly Silence, Egg Donation, Faith and Infertility, IVF, Peace to Parenthood, Personal Musings, Recurrent Pregnancy Loss, Sam Sex Parenting and Reproductive Law, The Journey to Parenthood, Thinking Out Loud, Third-Party Assisted Reproduction, Treatment, Uncategorized
Someone Just Published a Great Article De-Mystifying Infertility and the NOvary. You need to read it!
October 15, 2010 | By: Liz
Joanna Weiss of the Boston Globe just wrote a wonderful article validating the experience of being infertile and the shame and awkwardness that women feel, even today in 2010. Acknowledging that there are many factors involved in infertility (not everyone is fighting that NOvary™ ), she also talks about how Hollywood and actresses over 40 who are not disclosing the assistance they “might” have received, or those (for example, JLo) who have openly slammed infertility despite suspected use of IVF services, aren’t helping matters.
I’d like to thank Ms. Weiss and the Boston Globe for publishing this article. I have a lot of thoughts – as you know – about the role that movies and actresses who experience infertility play in perpetuating the shame. I know as an attorney in this industry that many women who conceive using an egg donor may not have the ability to speak openly about it as a result of their egg donation agreement which requires them to maintain silence to preserve anonymity and confidentiality of the parties involved. There is also a strong argument to be made that this is a private matter involving family, and a child’s conception, both of which are sacred issues to be shared when and how that family deems appropriate.
But the law and common sense don’t necessarily apply the same standards to those who seek the limelight. I would like those public figures who are considering using egg donation – or those who are experiencing battles with infertility of all kinds, not just your dreaded biological clock and the NOvary™ – to reconsider their position. You can draft an egg donation agreement that permits you to acknowledge that you received assistance through IVF or even third-party assisted reproduction and you can do it while maintaining the privacy and confidentiality of your egg donation arrangement.
But there is more to this than whether someone can disclose we went through an egg donation. As Ms. Weiss points out the real question remains, why won’t anyone do it?
In 2010 why is it still a stigma to have problems conceiving? Federal Courts acknowledge that infertility is a disability. Infertility is a disease! While we are all in pain and do want to protect ourselves and our hearts from the sadness we are coping with, if we all came out of the closet, wouldn’t it be easier to get through it in the first place? You wouldn’t have to avoid eye contact with everyone else in your clinic’s waiting room (I hated that!!!), you could make friends (one of my BFF was made during IF treatment and I wouldn’t go back for a second if it would mean I would not have gotten a chance to meet this woman), you could have SUPPORT.
This is not a shameful thing. We all need to stand together and tell insurance companies to get with it (if a federal judge can figure this out than an insurance company can – I bet there would be a huge spike in enrollment in insurance companies that offered coverage, and I bet it would ultimately lower the cost of care and not cause it to rise as some have posited recently), and tell each other it’s okay.
Ms. Weiss suggests that when our kids are older and in school they will know about IVF and ICSI. I want her to know that in my little world, my kids’ friends already know about this and the moms do discuss it. Even those moms who didn’t have trouble conceiving are well educated, informed and supportive (for the most part). It is coming out of the closet, but it’s coming out after the fact, after the pain is over. That’s not right.
12 million of us are experience this journey. If you are experiencing infertility today, you’re in good company. Just read the latest tabloid journal about whatever 40+ actress just gave birth to twins, or whatever 45+ actress gave birth to a singleton. Chances are the 40+ actress had some help. And I am pretty sure that the 45+ actresses did have help.
Why keep it a secret? Who are we helping? We certainly are not helping our children who might one day be faced with this too. I remember my grandmother once telling me that no one discussed miscarriages because it was so shameful to have one, so you just went through it alone, crying in the bathroom and absorbing obnoxious, patriarchal comments from your doctor. She was envious that women today are so open about miscarriage. I’m not sure I agree with her that we are open about miscarriage or that we are honest enough about any of this. But she’s right we are making progress at least with respect to miscarriage and pregnancy loss. But it’s not enough. Ms. Weiss has written a wonderful article and I for one am very grateful for her openness.
You can read the article at: http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2010/10/10/the_world_of_fertility/
Thank you Ms. Weiss!
Filed under: Uncategorized
